


Rational Time

by charcolor



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, MARETU - Freeform, Spirits, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2018-09-20 09:43:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9485516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charcolor/pseuds/charcolor
Summary: Miku Hatsune has always been studious and dedicated to a successful education. Her path of life is interrupted when she begins to seek love and instead is sent into an endless whirl of heartbreak and death, with her only consistent guidance being a mysterious spiritlike being named Milla.(This is based off of a selection of songs by the producer MARETU. He gave me permission to write this story.)





	1. Stop It, Stop It, Stop It

**Author's Note:**

> In case you didn't realize this from the fact this is tagged "Tragedy," this story does NOT have a happy ending. Since the conflicts in this story revolve around abuse and suicide, I strongly suggest you abstain from reading this if you are either a) going through domestic abuse or b) having heavy thoughts of suicide. I'm sure there is a happy ending waiting for you, but you will not find one in this story. I'm not trying to be edgy or anything, but I don't want to cause innocent people to lose hope in their own lives as a result of a fictional work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: sexual abuse, mentions of rape and pedophilia. I chose not to use those archive warnings, because I don't want them to be mistaken for fetish categories.
> 
> This chapter is based off of the song Scrumize, which you can listen to at https://youtu.be/byQjrfLDtYw

Your experiences depend a lot on how they’re introduced to you. Romance is no exception. The first person to fall in love with you will shape your heart and mind in a way that will never completely disappear. There are people who will take advantage of that power. They’ll get kids that are way too young, and manipulate them to the point of madness.

Those kids aren’t at fault. You wouldn’t willingly commit to somebody knowing that they’re going to hurt you. I’m sure that everything begins differently. Maybe sometimes things have a rocky start and get better. Maybe their fate is doomed from the beginning and it only rolls downhill from there. I’ve only experienced one thing thus far–love and nuturement followed by cruel fate and punishment.

Thinking back, I guess I should have known before I even told him how I felt. I remember turning fourteen years old during summer break in August. In the afternoon I rode my bicycle to my crush’s house. My heart was pounding, because in my mind I was debating whether or not to tell him how I felt. Once I got close to his family’s house, I saw a petite girl watching me. I’d seen her in middle school. Her name was Rin Kagamine. She and her twin brother were small and average looking, only distinguishable by their pale blonde hair and the white bow that Rin always wore.

I looked right back at Rin. I wasn’t sure what to say. She didn’t say anything to me until I unmounted my bike. In a low, serious tone she said, “I know what you’re going to do.”

I was confused, and a bit frightened. “Huh?” I glanced at the boy’s house. There was an absence of light in the windows. Maybe he wasn’t home.

“You’re going to confess your feelings for Kaito.”

My gaze snapped right back to Rin, wearing the same dark look on her face. How did she know that? Did someone tell her? Or was I just extremely predictable?

Rin continued without waiting for a response. “I wanted to tell you that Kaito is not a good person. You should stay away from him. I don’t want him to hurt anyone else.”

Kaito was a childhood friend. I’d known him for so long that the version of him in my mind was set in stone. He was not the same as the boy Rin described. I didn’t believe her. I thought maybe she was trying to get me away from Kaito for a reason. But I couldn’t tell her this, because suddenly she glanced at the house, widened her eyes and fled down the sidewalk, her light gray knapsack bouncing frantically to the rhythm of her neat black shoes stepping one after another on the pavement.

Soon I saw what she was running from. Just when I could no longer hear her rapid footsteps, the front door of the house opened. It was him, my best friend, with a soft smile on his face.

Clutching the hem of my skirt in nervous anticipation, I rushed towards him. As I got closer, my heart relaxed. Kaito was the kindest person I knew. Thoughts and memories of him were soft and comforting.

I grasped his hand and told him I was in love with him. A smile spread across his face. I didn’t see it back then, but as time went on I realized exactly what he thought behind that smile.

* * *

For a month, everything was okay. We started school again. At the time, I was a middle school student and he was a high school student, so for a while we didn’t see each other so often. We were in different places more often than we had the ability to be near each other. 

One day in September, I checked my cell phone before beginning to help to clean the school. I had some texts from Kaito. 

**I want to see you**

**I want to see you**

**Come to my house as soon as you can**

“As soon as I can” wasn’t going to be very soon. After cleaning up, I had to go to math club meeting as per usual. But these texts sounded urgent. Of course, I cared about Kaito, but I didn’t want to get in trouble for skipping afternoon duties. I texted to him that I was busy, and that I would go to see him immediately after school. Then I put my phone away, planning not to take it out until my club meeting was over.

Apparently, that was no good. I didn’t check my phone after the meeting, I decided to go straight to Kaito’s home. He was sitting in front of the door, his chin to his chest and his legs tucked underneath him. My footsteps caught his attention. He looked up at me, sorrow in his blue eyes.

"What's wrong?" I tossed my bag onto the grass and knelt down to be at his level. "Are you okay?" 

"I guess so." Kaito's voice was unusually quiet and low. "But...I thought you cared more about me." 

Those words began to strike my heart. "What do you mean? Of course I care about you." 

Kaito shook his head, his gaze lowering again. "Well, school's obviously more important than I'll ever be. I thought I was good enough for you to listen to me, but--" 

"No, no, no!" I interrupted frantically. "I care about you  _so_ much and I'm really sorry for making you feel like this..." 

A barely audible sigh was his only reply. 

"D-do you want me to stay overnight?" I suggested shyly. 

 That seemed to do it. Kaito looked up again, smiled and nodded. I thought that was the end of it and things would be okay. But later that night, something strange happened to Kaito. I'd told him that I was going to sleep at 9:30, since I had school the next day. "I thought you wanted to stay the night." Kaito seemed disappointed again. 

"Huh? I am. I'm sleeping over your house." 

Kaito sat down at the edge of his bed. "Don't you want to spend more time together?" 

"Kaito...you have school tomorrow, too," I told him slowly. It was only the middle of the week. It shouldn't have been a surprise. 

"Well, wouldn't it be more fun to stay here together?" A ghost of a smile fell on his lips. 

I shook my head. My education had always been more important to me than teenage romance. Most kids my age, or even Kaito's age, didn't even consider dating. The whole reason that I was able to live alone was my academic potential leading me to a high prestige school district. My parents still lived nearby, just a mile away, and were able to fulfill any necessary duties. It was hard to get into such a position, so I had to work hard to keep my promise to be successful with my education. 

Kaito didn't consider this and misinterpreted my response. "You don't want to spend time with me?" His eyes widened. 

"I just care a lot about my education. Once I've finished school, maybe--" 

"I guess I'm not important to you after all." It was too late to take back anything I'd said. Kaito stood up and gestured to his bed. He was letting me use it. I was already in pajamas, so I went ahead and snuggled under the covers. 

I fell asleep within an hour, but eventually I woke up again. I was facing the window, so immediately I saw the moon at its peak as it illuminated the sky. I felt harsh whispers of warmth brush the back of my neck and long, slender arms wrapped around my lower waist. Kaito's beating heart pounded through his chest to my spine. I then realized my body was cold and half barren. 

"Kaito..." I murmured, still groggy, and wriggled around, trying to free myself from his embrace. My bra and T-shirt were in a pile on the floor beside Kaito. Once I'd freed myself, I put my clothes back on and quietly stepped out to use the bathroom. After that I decided to just sleep on the couch.

When I woke up again at six o’clock, Kaito was still asleep. Part of me wanted to wait for him to wake up and maybe make him breakfast, but then I remembered how he’d slept next to me the night before. He’d be so upset if he found out I’d left the bed. But if I left for school, he’d be even more offended. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to happen. He was still asleep after I’d dressed and showered--thankfully, I’d gone home to bring some clothes before staying over Kaito’s, since his clothes would definitely be too loose on me--so I decided I’d leave to catch the bus. I had enough money in my backpack to pay the fare. I didn’t wake him up beforehand, because I didn’t want him to get angry with me.

But I should’ve known it was going to happen regardless. He was waiting for me outside the school Thursday evening. I was surprised, because I knew he was in a club at his school. “When did you get here?” I asked, subconsciously running a finger through a pigtail. “Isn’t your school a couple blocks down?”

“I left when I realized you weren’t there,” Kaito answered. He wasn’t looking at me. He was doing something on his phone. “I’ve been here for six hours, I think.”

Six hours. Kaito got here at noon and stood in front of the school for six hours straight just to see me. I felt so guilty. He wanted to be near me so bad. Or at least, that’s what I thought back then.

“I’m really sorry for keeping you waiting. If I’d known you were here, I would have texted you.” I felt the curious stares of students passing by, and I felt a bit of blood rush to my cheeks, I lowered my chin, grasping a pigtail nervously. “Why didn’t you go to school?”

“I don’t care about school anymore, Miku.” Kaito slipped his phone into the pocket of his jeans--he wasn’t even wearing his school uniform--and was now looking at me. “Can we go somewhere private? I can tell you’re kind of embarrassed.”

Right as I began to nod, Kaito grasped my hand and nearly dragged me away. I was startled and nearly tripped myself before quickly falling into step beside him. “We can call each other later, can’t we?” I suggested. “I need to catch the bus so I can go home. You should--”

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” The grasp on my hand tightened. “I’ve never seen you in this way before.”

“In...what way?” I almost wanted to release his hand, but it was tight and I knew he wouldn’t like that.

“I can’t talk to you on the phone. I have to look at you.”

I thought back to the night before when Kaito slept beside me. He must’ve been the one who took off my shirt. It was confusing. Why would he do that?

“I’m going to take you to my house,” Kaito told me firmly. “I don’t want to take the bus. There’s too many people around.”

“You’re acting really strange.” My voice was soft and tentative. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fantastic with you around. What’s so strange about me?”

“Um...you seem really nervous, and...” I wanted to say “possessive,” but instead I said, “I don’t want to go to your house.”

Kaito stopped walking immediately, almost making me double over. He looked down at me. “Why?”

“I need to make dinner for myself and do some more homework. And I think I might miss the bus if I don’t--”

Kaito finally released my hand, but I could see the hurt in his eyes and I could hear it in his voice. “Why do you care about school so much? I’m trying so hard to mean something to you and all you care about is your education.” He grasped my hand again and pulled me without waiting for me to gain footing. “I’m taking you to my house. I want to show you how much you mean to me.”

I didn’t know what he meant by that and I was frightened. I’d never seen Kaito act so impulsive and possessive. Was this what Rin had meant by Kaito not being a good person? I didn’t want to think he was to blame for this. He was just upset.

So despite my wishes, I followed him to his house again. Kaito didn’t let go of my hand again until we were inside. Once my aching hand was free, I heard the click of Kaito locking the door.

Kaito let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t know what he was relieved of. He turned to me and smiled a bit. “What do you want to do?”

“What do you mean? It seemed really important for you to take me here so you could talk to me.” I held the straps of my backpack tightly as I spoke. “Or...do something.”

“I just want to spend time with you.” For some reason, Kaito’s pale cheeks reddened a tiny bit. “I want to spend time with you so badly...so I don’t want to let you go home.”

 _Let me go home?_ If the way he’d been acting before wasn’t a red flag, then this was. We’d only been dating for a month. I didn’t want to feel like this. I felt like I was being too judgemental. And I was embarrassed, too. I was embarrassed for not listening to Rin. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want her to mock me.

“I want to go home.” My voice was barely audible to even myself, but Kaito heard. He walked over to me slowly, and gently lifted my backpack off of me, releasing the straps from my hands. Once the bag hit the carpet, he suddenly grasped my wrist and pulled me away from where my feet stood. He stopped once he’d reached his kitchen, but he didn’t let go. I was scared to look anywhere but downward. I realized that I had to escape from Kaito...but it was too late.

“I can’t resist you anymore. I want to look at your beautiful little body so badly. It’d be a shame to put you to waste.”

Before I could try pulling free from his agonizing grasp, Kaito pushed my chin up forcefully with something cold in his other hand. A bottle. He shoved the opening into my mouth, crushing against my teeth. He pushed it further every time I tried to pull away. A disgusting substance filled my mouth. I’d never tasted it before, but I had a feeling it was alcohol. And I either had to swallow it or choke on it.

I tried to open my mouth a bit wider so it would spill out onto the floor, but when I tried to move my jaw I felt a sharp pain. Kaito then let go of my hand and held the bottle upright. Just as my body hit the ground, Kaito put his foot down on my stomach. It was strong enough to trap me as he knelt down on top of me. He used one hand to shove the bottle into my mouth again, and the other to keep my lips tight around it.

I was horrified and close to crying. I’m sure I could have done something, but I panicked and came to the conclusion that I had no choice but to submit to the drink until I was eventually too dazed to defend myself.

I don’t remember what happened after Kaito forced that god-awful drink inside of me. I remember waking up in a terribly familiar bed with marks on my wrists, as if they’d been binded, and a throbbing migraine. I felt repulsed with myself, and even though I wanted to escape to my house as soon as I could, I didn’t want to move.

Then I felt something cold beside me. I rolled over to see where the chill had come from. I was shocked by what I saw, but I was too weak to react to the sickeningly pale thing looking at me.

Well, it felt like she was looking at me. Her dark gray bangs fell over her eyes so they weren’t visible. Her mouth was curved into a concerned frown. She seemed like a ghost, with the lack of color in her body, the chilly aura she emitted, and the puffy old-fashioned dress she wore. Or maybe I was hallucinating.

Then she spoke, in a whisper. “I want you to get dressed, because I have something really important to show you, and if you don’t hurry we’ll miss it.”

I gathered all the strength I could to pull myself out of Kaito’s bed. My clothes were, fortunately, piled up, along with a letter on hastily torn notebook paper. Kaito’s unmistakeable hanwriting in black pen was on it.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday. I’m a horrible person. I hope you can forgive me, but I understand if you want me to die. I do too.”

I didn’t know what to think of this. But I didn’t have time to think anything, as the little ghost girl hurriedly gestured to my school uniform, so I pulled my clothes on over my underwear as fast as I could. I nearly fell over from my headache, but I had faith in what this girl was telling me. She then said, “Make sure to be quiet so _he_ doesn’t notice.”

I tiptoed, or at least I did the best I could in the state I was in, after her. As I stepped lightly down the hall, I heard some smacking noises from the kitchen. Smacking noises. The noises of grown-ups smacking their lips against each other. It was kind of gross, but at the time, rather than disgust, I felt surprise and confusion.

It was Kaito. I knew at this point I wanted to get far away from him. But now, my heart dropped as I saw him with a woman. This woman clearly wasn’t in high school, let alone junior high school. She was an adult. And she was passionately sucking on the mouth of my best friend.

Kaito’s eyes opened like slits, and they slid over to me. He pulled away from the woman. She looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes. I didn’t know if she was trying to hurt me with Kaito, or if Kaito was hurting her as he was with me. But I didn’t have time to read her face as I saw something gleam in the corner of my eye, and Kaito rose it. All of a sudden, energy rose up inside of me, and before the blade hit I stopped his arm by pushing my hand forcefully onto his wrist, and grapping his other hand forcefully with mine. Kaito dropped the knife in surprise, but soon the fire was back in him. He pushed me away then grasping his hands around my neck.

“Stop it, stop it, stop it...” I yelled feebly, even though I knew it was no use. The only one willing to help me was an incorporeal little girl who was powerless to do anything but watch through her hair.

When he spoke, Kaito’s voice was unnaturally low and calm. “Every love story has some horrible truth about it. And you’re so beautiful, I waited for the chance to...”

His voice trailed off as his mouth morphed into an uncanny, daydreaming smile. His grip on me loosened ever so slightly, before suddenly leaving me gasping for air as something pulled him from behind.

The woman was holding Kaito by the collar of his shirt and looking me in the eye. “Get out, right now. And don’t come back. It’s for your own good.”

I did not hesitate. I bolted through to the front door, fortunately remembering to grab my backpack as I did. The door was unlocked, so I pulled it open and slammed it behind me. Immediately after facing the daylight, my knees buckled and I dropped to the ground. I felt the pavement beneath me scrape at my clammy skin. I felt repulsive and sick. The ghost girl was beside me.

“Let’s go home,” she said, her voice soft and sweet like a child’s. “It’s not safe here.”

 _I must be sick. I’m hallucinating and I’m close to vomiting._ I didn’t reply to her, but I listened. My shaking legs stood again and I dragged myself down the side of the road. I didn’t know what time it was or how much school I’d missed, but even starting to think about it made me dizzier. I just wanted to go home and close my eyes and never move again.

Amazingly, I made it to my front door. I sloppily fished in the side pocket on my backpack for the keys. I was the only one who lived in this house. My parents could afford to own the one-story cottage as well as their own house. They were very thoughtful in that way. They paid the bills for me and everything. But it wasn’t because they wanted to spoil me, it was because it would make my academic life easier to manage. I didn’t know how they’d react to their studious daughter missing school without even a call or some sort of warning.

The ghost trailing behind me waited patiently for me to fit the key in the lock and twist and weakly push the door open. After pulling out the key I wobbled in and collapsed on the carpet. 

The world was spinning and I wanted to drown in it until I felt numb. I could hardly think of anything, but I could clearly hear the ghost girl’s words as I heard the door slowly shut with a barely audible thud. “If you’re worried about missing school, it’s still seven o’clock in the morning.” I raised my head a bit to look at her. Her mouth was now in a small smile as she looked down on me. “You can still call in sick, I think.”

I pushed my body upward with my arms and reached in my pocket. Despite the series of events, my phone was still there. When I awakened the screen, I saw a series of concerned text messages from my mother and father, asking if I was on the bus, if I’d had breakfast, why I wasn’t answering, if I was sleeping in, if I had the money to pay the fare. I ignored them and went straight to the dial to call school. I couldn’t tell my parents about Kaito. I didn’t even want to tell myself about Kaito.

When the phone was picked up and I spoke, my voice trembled and cracked. All I could say was that I was sick and couldn’t attend school, and apologized. I felt awful for missing school. I hadn’t done so since I was very young. The secretary told me to feel better soon and let me hang up, and I promptly crawled to the bathroom to vomit in the toilet. I then fell back on the cold tile floor.

“I’m pathetic.” I said it out loud, but not to the ghost girl who watched from above, or to anyone in particular.

“How do you feel?” she asked, concern in her voice but her mouth still smiling innocently.

“I don’t want this to be real,” I told her, my eyes glued to the ceiling light. “I know by now he’s not a good person to love. And I think he only wanted to have sex with me. I’m just a pretty little doll to him, I guess.”

“Oh, he never raped you. I saw everything.” I felt a chill on my legs, and slid my eyes over to see her sitting by my feet. She pointed at my hands. “You saw those bruises on your wrists? Kaito chained you up after getting you drunk and took your clothes off, but he didn’t take his clothes off. He just masturbated.”

“He tried to kill me, didn’t he?” I did remember the gleam of the knife in his hand and the tightening of my throat as it was enclosed by rough hands, but the memory felt so surreal. “Why would he do that?”

“So that you wouldn’t run away. So that he could look at you forever.”

I sat up, causing the girl to stand. “How do you know all this? Who are you?”

The girl’s smile grew a tiny bit longer. ”I’m glad you asked. My name is Milla. I’m your guardian.”

“Guardian? Like a guardian angel?”

Milla giggled softly. “I’m flattered that you think I’m an angel. You can think of me however you want, but I don’t think I could be an angel.”

Milla certainly didn’t look like an angel. She was white, but the stains running down her face were dark, as were the circle of stitches around her neck. She looked like a zombie. Her bangs were long enough to hide her eyes, but I knew that I probably didn’t want to know what was there.

Milla knelt down and watched me as she spoke. “I don’t know how long he’s been hurting you. But he did it to that little blonde girl too.”

The only blonde girl she could have been referring to was Rin Kagamine. But Rin was so young. She and her brother were born two years after I was. To think that Kaito would treat a thirteen-year-old in this way was mortifying. 

“Is Kaito...a pedophile?” I couldn’t look at Milla as I asked her this. I felt ashamed of myself for letting this happen.

Because the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realized the warning signs that snowballed into brutality. I remembered the times when he’d said that he was hoping I’d stay beautiful forever, which meant he only wanted to look at me. I remembered the times he’d told me I was the only one he trusted, which gave me the subconscious responsibility of nurturing his needs. I remembered how often he stressed that he didn’t know what he could do without me. I thought it meant I was helping him, but he was really desperate to control me.

The worst thing Kaito ever said to me was on the day I turned fourteen years old, when I said “I love you” for the first time. He repeated the same thing back to me, then carressed my cheek like a porcelain doll and whispered, “I know I can't have you, from looking at your childish face."

When he said those words, I became determined to prove to him that I was mature and responsible, that I was as much of an adult as he was. But now I’ve realized that’s what he wanted all along. He wanted to strip me of my purity and innocence until I had no excuse to refuse.

He took away so many things that I could never get back...but that didn’t stop me from trying.


	2. Do You Like Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: pedophilia, implications of sexual abuse/harassment
> 
> This song is based off the song Maegamist, which you can listen to at https://youtu.be/H9sXXe6TwW8.

I can't stand to look at him anymore. I don't want to look at anyone or anything, but especially not him.

I'm still in junior high school, so Kaito isn't around during the time I spend here. I try to put all my time in my schoolwork these days because I don't want to talk to anyone. That doesn't stop gossip from spreading, though. I see the way some students look at me when I walk by them. I guess anyone would be curious about the bandages on my wrists, but no one's bothered to ask, so they've come up with their own theories.

While eating my lunch today, for example, I can hear some kids at the other side of the room talking about me. I don't want to give them any signal that I'm listening, but I'm genuinely curious. I don't know if I should be worried, because I don't know what I want people to think.

One of the girls is Teto Kasane, a small, cute girl with red swirly pigtails. She speaks in a clear, high-pitched voice, so it's always hard for her to keep her voice down. "I heard it was Kaito who hurt her wrists."

"Kaito?" a sweet voice responds, belonging to Teto's beautiful rose-haired girlfriend, Momo Momone. "You mean Kaito Shion? He's a second-year at Fuga High School, right?"

"Yeah, him. I don't think it's true." Even though she says this, I can hear the slight concern in Teto's voice. "I mean, I knew him in elementary school, and he's always been so kind and gentle. I doubt he would hurt someone as good as Miku, especially since they've always been best friends."

"Yeah, but...something like that happened to little Rin, didn't it?" Momo speaks softly in contrast to Teto's tone. "I thought the same thing you did, but now that there's two girls who say Kaito hurt them, I don't know..."

I don't want to believe Kaito is a bad person either. I know he is. The more I think about it, the more horrible and twisted my mind's image of him becomes. But another part of me is still desperately clinging to the good, comforting memories of our time together. Like the time I was up all night studying and feeling stressed beyond belief and Kaito left his home at two in the morning to come over and snuggle with me, and then he made me some tea and helped me relax and take a break...

_Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. It's only the middle of the school day._

Milla's told me that crying will make me feel better, but it doesn't. It starts with a few silent tears that bring back poisonious thoughts and memories that build up to something revolting and monstrous that will bring out my loudest, deepest sobs and weeping and I always just want to stop. The worst part is that I can't tell anyone. No matter what, the outcome will be bad. If they don't believe me, they'll think I'm a bad person trying to hurt someone sweet and innocent. If they do believe me, Kaito will be angry and try to find a way to fix everything, and I know his way of fixing everything would involve hurting or raping or even killing me.

I can't avoid Kaito. He's always around in one way or another. When I'm not thinking about him, I can hear someone talking about him. Kaito's extremely popular among underclassmen like me, even when we're in an entirely different building. Sometimes I see Rin, and I think she feels the same way, from the blank, exhausted look on her round little face. I don't want to speak to Rin. I don't want her to gloat about how she was right all along and how I'm an absolute idiot for not listening to her. She doesn't even seem like the type of person to do that, but I already tell these things to myself subconsciously, and that's what makes me afraid to speak.

The worst part of the day is when I ride the bus home. Kaito takes the same bus I do. I usually can't sit down, out of respect for all the senior citizens who need to, but seeing Kaito these days makes me want to curl up on the floor. It's not just because he's there. I know he can't hurt me with so many grown-ups taking the bus. It's because he's there with his new girlfriend. They've started dating just days after the incident last week, which makes me wonder how Kaito sees girls.

His girlfriend is absolutely not to blame. The poor girl looks like a nervous wreck all the time, constantly clinging to Kaito's arm. She goes to my school. She's not in my class, but I do know her name, because anyone involved with Kaito is bound to get some publicity in my school. Her name is Megumi Ghana-Yamane, but everyone just calls her Gumi for short. She stands out among everyone on the bus because her skin is as dark as pine. The second her forest green eyes meet mine, she frantically glances away in shame. It makes me wonder how she really feels about being with Kaito, or if Kaito treats her differently than he treated me.

I've started getting off one stop earlier than my own. That's because my actual bus stop is the same as Kaito's bus stop, because we don't live far away from each other. I don't want him near me. When I first started doing that, I feared he'd just follow me no matter what, but he doesn't. Still, I can feel his hot gaze through the window as the bus passes on. It's hard not to look back at him, but at the same time I'm horrified of doing so.

Milla waits for me every day inside my house. She never shows her eyes. I don't know if she can see through them or if she even has eyes, but she always knows when I'm home. She doesn't ask how my day was or how school or math club went or if anything bad happened to me. She smiles sweetly and asks if I know what Kaito's up to.

"I don't know what Kaito's doing. I don't want to know, either." I lift my backpack off my shoulders and let it drop. "I'd ignore him completely if I could. I don't want anything more to do with him, ever."

"Why not blind yourself?" Milla strokes her hair with slightly stiff fingers. "Look, I can't see, and I'm doing just fine."

"You can't see? Why not?"

"It's a long story. Nothing you want to be bored with." She stands up, lifting herself with her toes so they peek out from under her dress. "I'm sure if you got your hands on some acid, you could make yourself blind so that you'd never have to look at Kaito again."

"I don't want to do that," I sigh. I grip the strap of my backpack again to pull it over to my room so I can do the last bit of my homework. Tomorrow's Saturday, so I only need to go to school to meet with my math club. The kids in my club have been treating me differently. They've been very concerned, and it seems like they're always whispering among themselves what could have happened to make me miss school, and about my wrists. I just want to forget and focus on school, but I can't when everyone is constantly reminding me of what Kaito did.

Or rather, what  _I_ did, because it's my own fault that this happened, isn't it? If I hadn't been so resistant maybe Kaito wouldn't have hurt me. If I hadn't been stupid enough not to listen to Rin this all wouldn't have happened. I'd have stayed good friends with Kaito and he'd still be here to wipe my tears and tell me everything will be okay. We would still be close and there for each other at all times, and we'd have fun just like we always did when we were little kids. Now I'm scared to death of my own best friend and I can't do anything about it.

Maybe Milla is right about blinding myself. I don't know what's blinding her. I don't know what's underneath her bangs. If I had bangs like that, I would only have to look at what I wanted to. I wouldn't be lost in darkness forever, but I could shut out the world whenever I needed my mind to be safe. I think that would be nice.

* * *

The bus is surprisingly empty today. It was normal this morning, but now it's just me and a few other students. I guess most people who take the bus at around this time are people who don't work on Saturdays, and today I'm taking the bus earlier than usual. Still, there's usually more people. At least I'm able to sit down.

Kaito and Gumi are right across from me, on the other side of the bus.

The other students on the bus are clearly trying not to stare. Everyone knows about Kaito and his new girlfriend, and everyone knows the rumors about what happened to me, but of course no one wants to look nosy. Two upperclassmen beside me start talking.

"I think I saw a bunch of grownups taking a different bus," one of them says in a rough, hushed voice. "I guess there's a new bus."

"Why would they do that?" the other one asks softly. "It was fine the way it was. It'll just make more traffic, won't it?"

If all the usual passengers split into taking two buses, that means it'll be easy for Kaito to watch me or follow me. It's an uneasy thought, but I guess the other students will see if he does anything. It's not as if either of our stops are the last one. But Gumi seems to be a lot more vulnerable than I am. I can't help glancing over at them...

Kaito is holding Gumi's arm very tightly, as if to keep her from leaving. Her eyes are staring at the dirty bus floor. She seems very uneasy. I don't know what could have happened to make her even more nervous than she's already been.

Gumi lifts her head and turns to murmur something to Kaito, who then releases her arm as the bus slows to a stop. Some other students stand to leave, thanking the bus driver on the way out. Gumi walks over to the bus driver as well. Is this her stop? Why isn't Kaito going with her? I look over at Kaito to see him staring intently at Gumi, fidgeting with something in the pocket of his pants. His eyes dart up and down, as if scanning her over. Then he suddenly looks away as Gumi returns to sit beside him. The bus starts moving again.

I keep the two of them visible in the corner of my eye, glancing over every time I see some kind of movement, which usually ends up being Gumi shifting uncomfortably. Eventually I begin holding my stare for longer, and then I see something strange. I see Kaito slowly and silently creeping his arm around Gumi's body and grabbing something with his hand, which prompts Gumi to widen her eyes in surprise and turn her head to whisper something to Kaito. Kaito doesn't respond. Instead, he pulls Gumi closer to himself and whispers something in her ear. Her black eyebrows scrunch up with worry as she squirms very slightly, before Kaito tightens his hold on her and reaches his hand into her skirt.

I don't know exactly what Kaito is doing, but I know it's not good, and it's honestly shocking to see that nobody else on the bus seems to know or care. They're all preoccupied with their phones, or purposely looking away. How and why could Kaito do this kind of thing in public? And why isn't anyone doing anything about it?

Then I realize why. My eyes meet Gumi's. Even from the other side of the bus I can see the thick green layer surrounding her pupils, shrinking in fear. Her front tooth pulls in her lower lip and bites down harshly, but she doesn't seem to realize that she's doing it. I can feel a strong wave of empathy when I see her like this. I feel her panic and horror, and I can feel the betrayal and hopelessness. And I know that if I make a single move to answer the silent cry of help echoing in her gaze, I will meet those sharp blue eyes again, and I will hear that awful laugh, and I'll be pulled into a web of traps designed to coil my heart in despair.

I think I know what's going on with Gumi, but I can't do a single thing. That's what Kaito has done to me. He used my trust and my love to twist my thoughts so that they paralyze me in fear, enabling him to hurt as many girls as he desires. He doesn't care about my feelings. When did he stop? Did he ever even begin?

The bus screeches to a halt and the doors slide open again, which gives me an opening to escape. I don't care how far away I am from my stop right now, but I instinctively grip the straps of my backpack and stand, quickly walking over. When I thank the bus driver, I realize my voice is quiet and shaky. I can see the surprise and concern in his face, but before he can say anything I hop down the steps to the sidewalk.

I don't know where I am.

As the bus doors close and a cloud of students spreads out around me, I glance around, trying to take in my surroundings. Now I realize that my heart is beating rapidly against my ribcage, slightly shaking my entire body with each pound. This is an unfamiliar street with unfamiliar buildings. I don't know how long it would take to walk home from here. I don't know anyone around these parts, either. All these students are only vaguely familiar. I'm sure they recognize me, but I don't think they notice I'm lost. They probably just think I'm visiting a friend.

I pull my phone out of my skirt. I haven't reached my data limit, so I should be able to use the GPS on my phone. Still, I think it usually takes ten more minutes to get to my usual stop by bus. It'll probably be dinnertime by the time I get home, if I get home at all. I suppose I could wait for the next bus, but I don't think I have enough money on me to pay the fare. I usually only prepare myself for two bus rides--to and from school--plus a bit of emergency money in case I need to use a vending machine or something. I really should've prepared more.

Then I hear something that sends a paralyzing chill throughout my whole body, almost making my drop my phone on the pavement. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

It's an unfamiliar voice. When I force my legs to turn me around, I see the same woman I saw that morning, the one with short brown hair. Today, she has a red turtleneck tightened around her figure and a black skirt that stops before it's halfway to her knees. It's the woman Kaito was kissing that morning. Why is she here? And why would she want to look for me?

A smile tugs at the ends of her glossy red lips. "You don't live around here, do you? I can help you get home. I have plenty of cash."

I open my mouth a bit only to swallow my words.

"My name is Meiko. I wanted to know how you were doing." She lowers her gaze as she pulls over the purse resting on her waist, fishing her hand around in it. "I didn't know Kaito was capable of something so horrid. I broke up with him once I found at. Apparently, he lied about his age to me too. He's only seventeen. No wonder he seemed to be busy so much, he must've been at school."

As she speaks, I can feel myself relax. Meiko isn't my enemy. I think I can trust her to help me if I need her to. The ice that's weighing down my voice melts away, and I ask, "How old are you?"

"I'm twenty-two years old. Way too old to be dating a sexually frustrated teenager, if you ask me. Kaito told me he was twenty, but I think even seventeen is too old to be targeting kids like you." Meiko gestures vaguely to me. "That's clearly a junior high school uniform. Anyway, I believe we have another hour until the next bus comes. Talk to me, kid. What's your name?"

Meiko and I sit together on the curb of the sidewalk, and she lets me confide in her about everything. As we talk, I start to feel much more comfortable in her presence. There's so much warmth in those brown eyes, it makes me wonder how I was ever scared of her in the first place. She talks about how after I fled Kaito's home, she threatened to call the police on Kaito, and learned the truth about his age and what he'd done with me. 

"What did the police do?" I ask, confused as to why Kaito doesn't seem to have gotten in any legal trouble.

"They...didn't come. Kaito threatened me back." Meiko's friendly smile fades, and shame passes over her deep brown eyes. "He said...he said he'd kill me if I did anything. And honestly, I wouldn't care if he did, because I'd be fine to die if justice was served. But my mistake was that I told him that. Then he said, 'Fine. Then I'll kill Miku.'"

We both look away from each other, staring down at the pavement. It's so shocking, it really hasn't hit me yet. The boy I've been best friends with ever since we were little, the boy I would have trusted with my life...he would want me dead if it meant he'd be safe. I want to think Meiko is lying, but why would she? 

Meiko starts to speak again. "He said that he didn't really care if you didn't love him anymore, because there's plenty of beautiful girls for him to look at. I guess he's a pedophile or something. It worries me, to think that a boy who's only seventeen would kill innocent girls just to look at them..."

Meiko continues speaking, but more softly, and it doesn't penetrate the thoughts swarming in my mind. If nothing happens soon, Kaito is going to hurt Gumi, like he did with me and Rin, and who knows how many other girls? Kaito already has Gumi trapped, too. She's the perfect victim, submissive and timid and desperate for validation. Now that Kaito's locked her in with his facade of love, he can do whatever he wants and she can't do anything about it, or else things will get worse. Kaito nearly raped me, then he nearly killed me. There's no reason that with Gumi it won't just be "nearly." And what would Kaito do with the body? He'd keep it, just to stare at it, like he did when he got me drunk and naked.

I should hate Kaito. And I think I do, but this isn't what hate should feel like. It's not burning, passionate rage, it's heavy horror that chokes me with sadness. Even if I should hate him, I don't. I'm horrified of Kaito, but I don't hate him. I think I hate myself more, because this wouldn't have happened if I just stayed put, if I'd just kept dating him. We'd both be happy, and I'd be blissfully ignorant.

That would be wonderful, to not know how horrible my best friend is, to forget everything and blind myself to the truth.

* * *

"You have to get up at some point."

It's noon. I've been lying on my back all morning, and Milla's been getting more and more annoyed with me about it. Although I can't feel her body, I can see her bouncing up and down at the end of my bed out of the corner of my eye, like a little kid eager to play.

"What do you want me to do?" I don't move as my soft voice speaks. "There's nothing important. I'm scared to go outside. I could study, but I can't even concentrate anymore."

"Nothing important? You sure about that?" Just as her words end, I hear a short, faint buzzing on the floor beside me, and another one following it. My head rolls to its side so that I can glance down at my phone, the screen glowing with news. I don't need to look at her to know that Milla is smirking with pride.

I drag my right arm out from underneath the folds of the sky blue blanket and curl my fingers around the phone, then pull it towards me. As soon as I can see the text on the screen, my body freezes, dropping my phone, letting it slide off the blanket. The first word that I read was "Kaito."

I forgot to block Kaito's number.

I didn't even think about it until now, because this is the first time he's messaged me since the incident. I thought of whether I should call the police, whether I should tell my parents, whether I should tell the faculty at school, who the brunette woman was, how to act at school, whether to hide the bandages on my wrists, and on and on...but I never considered that Kaito would text me. What would he want or need to text me about anyway?

Milla has no reaction but a knowing smirk. If she has eyes underneath her long, dark bangs, I feel as if they're twinkling with a secret, something she knows and something I'm about to find out. She says nothing as I reach for my phone again with a shaking hand. Once I take a hold of it, I roll onto my other side. I inhale slowly. It can't be that bad. Why would he text me? Maybe he texted the wrong person. Whatever the case, I'm definitely going to block his number after this.

I open the text--and instantly a thousand needles pierce my heart. This is an image. I remember being there. I remember the way his arm fit snugly around my body, the way my head rested softly on his shoulder. The big blue jacket he wrapped around us, as he softly kissed my forehead, then my nose, then my lips. I remember closing my eyes and daydreaming, and opening them just in time to see him hold out his phone. "I'm going to take a picture of us," he said, softly so not to disturb our comfort. "Close your eyes. You look cute when you look like you're sleeping."

But it's not me in the picture anymore. It's Gumi, her eyes closed, her glasses pushed against her face as she leans against Kaito's shoulder, her subtle smile...and Kaito, looking right at me, with his own beautiful smile, and twinkling azure eyes, a mask of friendliness over his derisive mockery of me.

A single line of text is typed underneath the picture.

"Do you like me? :)"

I read it over and over again, until my eyes are too blurred to be able to see it anymore, and these horrible, horrible feelings return to my heart and mind. I lost so much happiness and love to this poor girl who is going to get hurt the exact same way I was, and there's nothing I can do about it. Kaito knows that, and he's laughing at me because he knows how fragile and soft I am. He knows how his name and memories are carved into my spirit so deep that no amount of time could make it fade. He knows the answer to his question. The answer is yes. I like Kaito. I love Kaito. I hate Kaito. I'm afraid of Kaito. I'm such a despicable person for even considering that he is worth my love and attention, but I can't escape from this.

I feel bad for Gumi, but I'm jealous of her too. On the bus she looked like a nervous wreck just being beside Kaito, but in this picture she looks so blissfully unaware of what's to come. When I wipe my tears to see the awfully bright image again, I shut my eyes instantly.

Lucky Milla doesn't have to worry about seeing these things. She has no eyes, and if she does her sight is hidden by her long bangs. Maybe I can grow out my bangs like that too. It might take a year or two, but someday I'll never have to look at Kaito again.


	3. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: rape and suicide
> 
> This chapter is based off of the song Mind Brand, which you can listen to here: https://youtu.be/-rbyIphpwAo

It's been a few months since my relationship with Kaito was ended.

I've been glancing over at him every day on the bus. After a few weeks, I'd stopped seeing Gumi. I haven't seen her at school either. At school, there have been all sorts of rumors. Some people think she just stopped coming to school, but others think she's in a mental hospital, or she was kidnapped or even killed. Eventually, people even started asking me questions, both about Gumi and about Kaito. They ask me things I don't know, like "is Gumi okay?" and "do you know what Kaito did to Gumi?" 

I think they've started to lose trust and admiration for Kaito. That's definitely a good thing. I feel sick every time I see him sitting on the bus without a care in the world, as if he hasn't hurt innocent girls like us. When I finally got the courage to talk to Rin, my thoughts of Kaito somehow became even more poisoned.

"I'm sorry," I told her. I had come to visit her classroom during lunchtime, and my heartbeat shook my words slightly. "I know you probably hate me for not listening to you."

To my surprise, Rin gave me a bittersweet smile in response. "It's not your fault. There's not much I could have done to save you. And it's not like you caused him to do those things."

I glanced around the room to see if anyone was listening. Most kids were out roaming the school, but a few stood at the other side of the room watching us. Too far to hear me whisper, I was sure. I lowered my voice to tell Rin, "But if I'd just done what he told me, he wouldn't have done it. He took me to his house and got me drunk because I tried to stand up to him. And I found out he took off my clothes and masturbated while looking at me." I glanced down at my wrists. They were still bandaged, because I was afraid to take them off. I didn't want any trace of my wounds left on my wrists. I know if I saw even the ghost of a bruise I would break down and relive the events that had gotten it there.

"That's horrible. But it's not as bad as what he did to me and Len." I looked up just as Rin looked away. "So maybe Gumi had it better too."

"What...happened to you and Len?"

At first I thought she wasn't going to tell me, because she shifted uncomfortably, quickly eyeing the clock on the wall and then the students watching us. She leaned in, her voice lower than mine. "He convinced me to date him when I was in seventh grade. One day he kidnapped my brother and then told me to come to his house for a surprise. When I came in his house he immediately started telling me how horny he was and how he needed someone to be a vessel for his lust. I knew he was saying he wanted to have sex with me. So I said 'No, I don't want to.'

"Then he said, 'That's okay, I have other people I can choose from.' And I know that sounds normal, but I had a weird feeling that something was wrong, so when he went downstairs I followed him. I thought he didn't hear me, because he didn't acknowledge me until he turned around at the doorway and he said, 'What are you doing? I thought you didn't want to be with me.' I didn't say anything, because I was really confused at that point. I turned around to leave, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me into the room. It was dark, I couldn't see anything but I heard a door shut and lock. Then a light turned on and--" Her voice was cut off by her own panic, beginning to raise her voice. 

"You don't have to tell me," I whispered hastily. "I was just curious. I didn't mean to--"

Rin swallowed, and took a deep breath. "It's--it's okay. My brother was in there. He was face-down on the floor and he wasn't moving, and I think I screamed, but I'm not sure. I thought he was dead. He was naked too, and he had his hands tied behind his back. I saw Kaito walk over to him...and something horrible must have happened after that. I don't remember. I blacked out."

"Did you...make it out okay?" My voice was trembling a bit, and some kind of horror was wrapped around my heart. This was a year ago. We were best friends. I trusted him with everything. Was he really always like this?

"Well," Rin replied, her voice a bit softer and calmer, "I was home when I woke up. I thought it was a bad dream, but Len was in my room too, watching me. He said that he woke up while he was being raped, and he screamed and cried and tried to wriggle his way out of the rope tying his hands. He said I pushed Kaito back and knocked him out with something, and then I untied Len, but I don't remember doing that. He said I fainted after helping him out, so he found his clothes and put them on and then carried me home. He called the police, but Kaito convinced them that we were lying. He almost got our family sued for slander, but I don't think that case went anywhere..."

By now my heart had been released from its binding fear by a fire of hate and betrayal. Rin seemed to notice I was fuming a bit; she blinked quickly in surprise, then shifted a little in her seat. Thinking back, she might've been afraid I was going to hurt her, or draw attention to ourselves. But at the time, I thought I was making her uncomfortable, so I forced out a quick apology and hurried out of her classroom, unable to say anything else.

These days, I can't even glance at Kaito without feeling hot tears rise in my eyes. Betrayal is what I feel when I think about him. Betrayal and fear, when I think about the horror story Rin told me. That happened when I was thirteen. When I was thirteen, Kaito and I talked to each other over the phone every day, filling in each other on how our lives were going. When I was thirteen, I had sleepovers at Kaito's house and we shared a bland microwave dinner while listening to our favorite music. When I was thirteen, Kaito took the effort to visit me at school every week in the afternoon to help me with my studies. When I was thirteen, Kaito taught me how to sing, and encouraged me that my voice was cute and I could be an idol if I wanted to. When I was thirteen, Kaito's eyes shined with admiration and love when I talked to him about the business I want to grow up and run one day. When I was thirteen, Kaito showered me with generosity, kindness and love.

When I was thirteen, Rin was twelve. When Rin was twelve, Kaito preyed on her innocence, manipulated her heart, and raped her twin brother.

Kaito should be in jail, no doubt. And every time I see his awful, smug face on this goddamn bus, I want to scream until my heart stops. But I can't. Kaito's smart. He's good at manipulating people. He did it to me, he did it to Rin, he did it to Gumi, he even did it to Meiko. He'll turn everyone and everything against me if I try to call him out. I'm trapped in an endless cycle of torturous rage and heartbreak, and if I try to free myself I'll fall into an even more fatal trap. 

Did Kaito want this to happen to me all along? Was our entire friendship a lie?

My house is a short walk away from the bus stop, and it's not exactly secluded, so even after I descend the steps onto the pavement I'm still among a small group of people on my way home. Milla sits patiently at my door, just like any other evening. No one in the neighborhood seems to see her, despite her paper-white skin contrasting the vibrant spring environment. She doesn't acknowledge me until I approach her, which makes me wonder if she really can see through her bangs. She greets me, but I never respond to her until I'm sure we're behind closed doors.

"How was school today, dear?" Milla folds her hands together as she gives me a slight smile. There's a hint of condescension in her face and in her voice. It's always puzzled me, now that I think about it. Milla doesn't look any older than seven years old, yet she treats me like  _I'm_ the child. 

"I don't want to talk about school." I pull the straps off my shoulders and let my backpack slide down to the floor, landing on its side. A small crash sounds from inside of supplies shifting and falling with the backpack. "I've wanted to ask you stuff."

"What would you want to know about me?" She raises a white hand to her mouth as if surprised, but I can see the corners of her smile.

"You know more about Kaito than I do, don't you?"

Milla drums her fingers on the carpet. "Oh, Kaito, Kaito...I doubt I could tell you everything. You're the one who's known him your whole life, aren't you?"

"Well, yes," I reply, lowering myself to sit on the floor across from her. "Since I was six, and he was nine. But you're older than me, aren't you? That's why you talk to me like that."

"Like what?" 

I feel like Milla is only feigning her surprise and confusion, and part of me wants to tell her this, but I hold my thoughts back. Milla is here to help me through my struggles involving Kaito, or at least that's the impression I have. She has the free will to abandon me if she wants to. I ignore her question and ask, "How old are you?"

"Oh, you want to know those things? I can tell you that kind of stuff." Milla brings her small hands together again. "Let's see...it was the last day of August when I was killed. I was almost eight years old, but I think I'd been born in late September."

"You  _think?_ You don't know your own birthday?"

"I have more important things to worry about than my birthday. Anyway, I died when I was seven, I think. August thirty-first. What year is it now?"

"August thirty-first? Are you sure?" I gently run a finger through my hair in thought. August thirty-first is my birthday. What could that mean? "Did you...die when I was born?"

"Well, you're turning fifteen in a few months, right?" Milla leans forward a bit as she speaks. "So, if you were born the moment I died, it would be 2016 right now. Correct?"

I shake my head. "It's 2014. Did you die in 2001?"

"I did. You're clever. I'm not sure why you'd be born exactly two years before my death. Perhaps this is all fate?" Milla tilts her head up, as if daydreaming.

"What do you mean? Can you tell the future or something?"

Milla shrugs, turning her head back to me. "I couldn't tell you that. Anyway, do you want to know about Kaito? You could be right. If you'd been friends with him since you were six years old, I'm sure I know things you don't."

"Tell me! Tell me!" I say, my voiced raised a little with anticipation. I'm not actually sure whether I want to know this stuff. If Milla really is confused as to my eight-year friendship with Kaito, she must know something awful, perhaps just as awful as what Rin told me.

"Oh, I don't think I should tell you everything." Milla smirks a bit, before covering it with her left hand. "But...I suppose I could say one thing. He's a necrophile. I know because...of experience."

I've known about necrophilia for a while, but I never really thought about the concept. How would someone even discover their sexual attraction to corpses? If Milla knows that Kaito's like that, then Kaito must know, too. 

That's why he did those things.

He's a pedophile and a necrophile. He wants to satisfy his sexual frustration by staring at the dead bodies of children. That's why he got me drunk and unconscious, so I'd almost appear dead, and he could look at my naked body to his heart's content. And that's why he didn't hesitate to try to kill me. If he had my corpse, it would be a wet dream come true for him. I'm fourteen, and I'm short and skinny, so I'm unmistakably a child. If I were a corpse, his attraction to me would be doubled. He could keep me as a trophy in his basement, for him to stare at whenever he needed someone to masturbate to or someone to rape.

Months ago, I think I would've blamed myself. If I had let myself get raped and killed then Kaito wouldn't have to prey on anyone else, because I was all that he could have ever wanted. By sacrificing my body and my life I would have saved all his future victims. But...it really isn't my fault, is it? Nothing I've ever done has motivated Kaito to transform into such a disgusting piece of shit. 

As time passes, I learn more about the shadows enveloping my life. For example, the shadow of Kaito's influence over me started when I was only two. I learn this after I call my mother, and ask, in the most casual way I can muster, "Do you remember when I met Kaito?"

"Kaito? His parents were friends with us, so naturally you saw each other a lot. But I think the first time you really befriended him was at your second birthday party. Why do you ask?"

"Um, well..." There's no way I could tell her the truth. Either Kaito would kill me, or I'd be locked up in some kind of awful asylum. "I--well, I thought it'd be cute to have a little friendship anniversary with him."

My mother buys it without hesitation. My poor parents are so blissfully ignorant of Kaito's true nature calling him adorable and incredibly kind as they've always done, and perhaps they always will be. But I'm grateful to my mother for confirming that Milla did die the day I met Kaito. What could that possibly mean for my fate and future?

When I learn more about that shadow, another rises from my loss of trust in Meiko. Towards the end of my first term of ninth grade, I find myself nearby Meiko on the usual bus. She doesn't seem to notice me, as she's focused on the cell phone being held to her ear. She whispers, but I can catch most of what she says.

"No, I haven't canceled, I'm just late because of the bus traffic...no, I don't have my own car. Do you know how hard it is for someone like me to make that money these days?...I know, I know, but don't expect me to give you a discount for that attitude. Hey, I'm not inexperienced, ask any average-looking man on the block and he'll tell you how good I am. I'll be there in a few minutes, alright?"

It takes a few minutes to piece things together. So, Meiko has a paying job that requires her to visit her clients, most of which are apparently "average-looking men." What would average-looking men want from her? Meiko's anything but average-looking. Her hair is expertly styled and her tight clothes show off her body to anyone who looks at her, especially her long, exposed legs.

They would want sex, right?

Meiko is a prostitute, isn't she? How could she pretend to be a warm, welcoming woman before turning around and sleeping with dozens of meaningless puppets for her own pleasure and profit? Would she do that to women too, like me? Would she sell sex to someone horrible just so she can have some kind of income? I don't know what this says about her, but I really don't like it. If she's willing to stoop that low for profit, what would she end up doing with me, if we were to become close friends?

That's when I decide to stop talking with Meiko. I can't risk that kind of betrayal again. 

The third shadow stems from Gumi's disappearance. Even Milla shrugs cluelessly when I ask her if she knows anything about it. "I don't know anything about that girl," she says, kicking her little white feet back and forth as she sits on the end of my bed. "Maybe Kaito killed her, or she killed herself."

"Don't say that." It's baffling how she can speak with such carelessness and nonchalance. "I'm sure if she was dead, everyone would know."

Milla looks away, and I can see the tiniest hint of a smile. "Why do you say that? Kaito lives all alone, doesn't he? It'd be really easy to hide the body, wouldn't it?" She turns back to me and leans toward me with sudden eagerness. "Why don't you visit him yourself?"

"You know I can't do that. There's no way I can even look at him." But by the way Milla tilts her head, I think she knows how I really feel. The idea of visiting Kaito's home again seems strangely comforting, even if it's horrifying at the same time. That place is tainted with the memories of him attacking me and Rin's trauma. But even if I hate Kaito for tormenting us with a false show of love followed by a surprise of demonic motives, I miss the times where I saw safety instead of danger in his face, when I felt warm and happy around him instead of paralyzed and enraged. 

Instead of getting the revenge I desire so much, I'd rather wake up in his arms, while he strokes my hair and soothes me just as he always did whenever I had nightmares. And I'd like to grow up with him and live in a future where we take care of each other through all the trials of life. I know his attraction to me is pedophilic and inhumane but I can't help but want to forget all of the things that shattered my heart over and over again and then wake up in a heavenly embrace.

That night, I dream of my childhood, where we depended on each other for everything and told each other our deepest secrets, ones we wouldn't even tell our parents. I dream of my love for Kaito, untrampled and indestructible, as we sit on the grass on a warm night and gaze at the stars, whispering our wishes one after the other for each other's strength and happiness. I dream of my future, where we build each other's success and satisfaction, and we gaze at each other with eyes full of love and gratitude for the fact that we had ever met in the first place.

Then I wake up to my reality of broken promises and broken hearts. It's three in the morning, and in a few hours I have to see the boy of both my dreams and my nightmares again. I begin to wonder if every night for the rest of my life will be like this, where my heart is mended in my sleep, only to be broken in a million more pieces than it was before each time I open my eyes. If my dreams are full of such bliss, I'd rather never wake up, and be stuck in an endless, oblivious dream free of rage and free of terror.

I don't see Milla anywhere in the room. Maybe she's hiding. Maybe she knows how I feel. Is she waiting for me to trap myself in my dreams, to save myself from seeing any more monsters, to free myself from my memories? Maybe that's what she came here to do, to ensure my total happiness and freedom. And I'll give it to her. It doesn't matter what she does with it. When I disappear from this world, nothing will have ever mattered, and I can drown in an illusion of happy memories that I will never need to wake from.

My heart pounds when I realize exactly what it is I want to do. It shakes my whole body as I shamble to my kitchen. With every trembling step, I remember my scars and what had brought them there. Every step is full of anger and hate and sorrow, and soon I can barely find my way to where i want to go, because I've been blinded by my tears.

Is this what it feels like to be totally broken?

Soon I finally wrap my slender fingers around the handle of a clean, unused knife. I can barely see its gleam from the moonlight flooding through the window. As I stare at the tip, an urge overwhelms me:  _Slice your neck. Secure your death._

The next thing I know, my back is on the floor with a strong pain stinging my throat and spreading through my entire body, spilling out my eyes through tears. I barely have the strength to pull my fingertips to my neck, where I can feel a cut straight across. After that, the room darkens, the only light from a strange illusion. A little snow-white girl with cuffs around her wrists and ankles, leading towards something I can't see...and as she turns to look at me for the last time, I see her empty black eyes with dark stains running down. She grins, and her mouth moves slowly, but I can't hear anything.

Is Milla standing there waiting for me? I guess it really doesn't matter, because I can feel myself finally drowning in eternal darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to assure anyone reading this that I, as the author, have nothing against those working in the sex industry. Sex workers deserve as much respect as all other workers. Miku's thoughts on sex workers are just her own thoughts and they are not reflective on my own. Her attitude towards society is going to change throughout the story.


	4. Dear Ex-Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, rape, pedophilia, body horror, murder (basically, if you're triggered by anything you should probably skip this chapter)
> 
> This chapter (except for the end, I guess) is based off the song Suji, which you can listen to at https://youtu.be/ZIVOhNcDqnI

I had another dream of you.

I couldn't remember your face, or the look in your eyes. I can only remember the unmistakeable blue hair and the devilish grin as you trapped me in helplessness. I could remember your voice, too, dripping with condescension and lust. Most of the time, I couldn't make out the words. But I remember one sentence sticking out to me:

_"I know I can't have you, from looking at your childish face."_

Yet still you laughed and laughed, each time becoming colder and louder as you stripped me over and over. I was your doll. You dressed me, undressed me, made love to me however and whenever you wanted, and I was powerless and motionless, unable to stop it. For hours, days, months, my heart was encased in an icy fear. I didn't know the meaning of love. I couldn't even try to understand how and why I came to meet you, and why my body was chained to you so strongly for so long.

I knew nothing but a shocking, paralyzing horror.

One day you asked me, "Do you think you will ever completely satisfy me?"

I said, "I'm going to try my best." 

It felt like I was a robot meant to answer your every command and wish, and the answer that croaked out of me was rusted with insincerity. I think you knew about my cold, meaningless lie. You slashed my throat. I let you.

"I have to try my best."

You choked me. I let you.

"I have to try my best."

You strangled me. I let you.

"I have to try my best."

You stuck something with a revolting taste in the pool of blood inside my mouth. I let you.

"It's time to become an adult." That was what you told me over and over. I was a pathetic scrap of life who believed you. I agreed. Everything you told me, I repeated to myself, as if reassuring myself that I couldn't trust myself to be independent, that my only purpose was to be used to the point of falling completely apart.

_"Let's strip our innocence and become adults."_

_"Everyone has to swallow something repulsive to become an adult."_

Adulthood, adulthood, adulthood. It was an endless loop of trying to grow up by letting myself be torn to pieces.

Then an angel visited me. My chains had been there so long they had rusted over my practically lifeless body, and I had stopped noticing the cold, filthy touch, but I was freed by some sort of miracle. My throat, torn and bleeding, was mended. And I awoke, recognizing this angel as my last fragment of independence. Because of her, I was no longer inferior to you.

She whispered in my ear. I don't remember what she said. Even then, I'm not even sure if I knew her words. But I understood what she was saying nevertheless, somehow, as if it was a magic spell to unlock my deepest desires that had been covered with so much dust over time that I never even knew of their existence. In my mind's eye, I finally saw something other than blank static. I saw your silhouette, tall and thin, dripping with my crimson. And when I began to think about what was inside my heart, your silhouette was shredded into pieces.

Was that my ultimate desire?

As I took steps forward, I realized how stiff and dazed my body was. This was because I hadn't moved to my own will in an eternity, I thought. But now that I think about it, it was as if I was posessed by a half-asleep force. Was it the angel? Was she forcibly guiding me to my fate?

I walked in an empty space. I turned left and right, but I never really knew where I was going. There was nothing in my surroundings except for the broken, bloody chains far behind me, and you were somewhere ahead.

A piano melody began to play in the distance. It was short and repititive, as if someone was practicing a new composition. It echoed around me and pushed me towards you. Your back was to me, your fingers slowly gliding over the gleaming ivory keys as you sat on a soft velvet seat. You didn't turn as I approached you, slowly, my body shaking with some kind of rage. In moments, my breath was rustling your cobalt blue hair, blowing softly back and forth like grass in my quick, warm wind.

I reached my hands around your neck. The smoothness of it, untouched by fury or fear, was unfamiliar. My own neck, though mended, was scarred from your influence. But soon, the purity of your pearl white skin would be permanently stained by my desire for vengeance.

My fingernails were blunt and uneven, yet still they were strong enough to pull your skin apart, slowly but firmly. It opened like paper, and I felt your cold red blood spilling out, sticking to my fingertips. I did not stop pulling. I watched as more and more poured out of you, as the tear in your body opened wide and spread throughout your whole body, like a shaped paper doll beginning to crumple. Your bodly slumped forward, your mindless head dropping on the piano. Instead of a chaotic cluster of notes, I heard a distant, echoing scream, fueled by shock and abhorrence, growing louder as scarlet gushed out of your body. As your scream crawled into my ears, I felt myself smiling for the first time in my memory, your pain filling me with joyfully overflowing ecstasy. Soon, my crimson hands pulled the seat away, and your remains slipped to the null white ground, opening up to something unrecognizable.

I dropped to my knees, beside your empty lifeless head, one of the only intact parts of your body. I didn't quite know what to do, now that I had torn you apart the same way you did to me. Only this time, there was no angel to save you from the brink of utter nonextistence.

I felt thin, cold arms wrap around my body. The angel was embracing me, whispering sweetly once again. I closed my eyes to listen. I could only make out one clear word:

_**Heart.** _

I lifted a frail hand to my barren chest. A hole had been there before I was rescued by my angel. That was when you plunged your filthy hands into my core and ripped through my heart like a desperate animal. In a second, I had been filled with every conceivable emotion, so strongly that it dazed me for months. But it was only for a split second. After that, I felt nothing. No memories, wishes, thoughts or fears. Just a mindless dream. My only purpose from then on was to follow your lead, not caring or knowing how I would be affected.

Now, I'd ripped open your chest to reveal something I never would have imagined could exist. Your heart, pulsing at a steady pace, the sound of its beat echoing throughout the whole world, shaking my entire being. Your pleasant memories of everything you did to me, and your hopeful desires of what you wanted to do next...I had the power to destroy them all, and erase you from existence.

Your heart was detached from your mind and body. Perhaps that was why the rhythmic beat stayed the same even as I ripped you into pieces. I easily lifted it out of the soup of blood and organs that was once your body. As it pulsed, tiny trickles of your blood slipped through my fingers, but with the gloves of crimson I now wore it was hardly noticeable. I could feel the last fragment of your soul under my fingertips. Your happiness at my porcelain, barren body, your rage at my rare disobedience, your sadness at my retaliation, your relief when you tore into my weak, foolish heart. They would vanish in the next moment.

Two perfect halves dropped from my fingers and pathetically lay limp on the floor. The contents of your heart were released into a wonderful rain of scarlet. Every drop that touched my body gifted me a memory, and with each awful pain it brought me I could feel my madness growing stronger, soon filling my mind with uncontrollable desires powered by my need for infinite vengeance.

_I want to gently melt you._

Your body was now inhuman, transformed into a disgusting puddle of what used to be inside you.

_I want to break you._

Your limbs were scattered around your remains, limp and flattened into a rough surface, as if your bones were fragile glass and they had been shattered by a single touch.

_I want to touch you._

My hands were clothed with your essence, burning it into my skin for good, so that no matter how hard I tried to forget, you still would always be a part of me.

_I want to laugh at you._

I fell back onto the ground, and closed my eyes, a smile pasted onto my face. I could rest.

* * *

My heart is still inside of me.

I run my shaking, tawny beige fingers over the fabric covering my chest, feeling my heart beat like my ribcage is a drum. My fingertips glide over to my neck, where I can feel the roughness of gauze over where I once felt a moist puncture.

The only sound I can hear is my short, warm breaths and the steady beeping of a monitor, matching perfectly to my heartbeat. The room I'm in is dark and unfamiliar. I glance out a nearby window. From where I'm from, all I can see is a numb, empty night sky. Looking around the room, I see a heap of clothes on a soft, basic bench, but I can't make out exact colors and shapes right now.

I rest my head down and close my eyes again. This must be a hospital. But how could I possibly be alive? I stabbed myself in the dead of the night...or slashed my neck? I can't really remember. Even if I were to survive that, how could anyone find me and get me to safety at so early in the morning? It's not as if I made any noise either, did I?

My amazement fades enough to open my ears to more sounds. Muffled footsteps outside the room, coming and going. Similar beeps from other nearby rooms...and another person's breath, slow and steady, uninterrupted by anything.

I open my eyes turn them to the other side of the room. I thought it was a heap of clothes before, but now that I squint I can see it moving ever so slightly. It's a person, curled up, facing away from me, They shift to reveal their pale hair as it falls in strands beside them.

It's Rin Kagamine. The girl looks peacefully asleep, despite how uncomfortable it must be to be hunched up on a bench. She seems to be wearing her junior high school uniform, so I doubt she intended to fall asleep. I wish I could approach her to wake her up and speak to her, but I'm afraid to move. On the ground beside her is a bouquet of white flowers, wrapped neatly in tan. I then realize several more bouquets, beside my own bed, in a colorful pile on the nightstand.

I close my eyes again. I'm an idiot for thinking I could get away with something as painfully selfish as suicide.


	5. Why Was I Even Born?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, murder, abuse
> 
> This chapter is based (loosely) off of Umitagari. Unfortunately, the English subs aren't anywhere on YouTube right now (at least not the more accurate ones) so here is a link to MARETU's upload if you'd like to listen: https://youtu.be/cqTgOnIMaJM

The room is brightened by a flood of sunlight. It's surprising how pristine these hospital bedsheets are. The brightness is almost blinding, but I know it's just a facade for the bitterly cold weather outside. It's still March, after all.

However, the room I'm in is warmed up by the light. Either that, or I just have a high body temperature right now. I might be delirious, from having just woken up to my first morning in the hospital. I can clearly make out my surroundings, though. The steadily paced beeping of the heart monitor and the weight of the gauze wrapped around my neck are familiar, from when I was awake briefly last night.

Besides those things, I can only make out fuzzy images in my memory. A pile of flowers on the ground and the flash of pale hair from a sleeping schoolgirl are the most prominent. It must have been Rin, because now beside me, on the nightstand with a bouquet of white flowers, there's a note, written in cute rounded characters on a pale yellow paper.

_I hope you feel well soon. I'm going to visit you every night at seven. If you're reading this, smile for me, okay? -Rin_

Throughout the day I talk to people who watched me sleep, like doctors and nurses. They tell me that my wound isn't too deep, so I should recover in the next two weeks. For some reason, they don't seem to suspect it was a suicide attempt, either. Somebody--I'm guessing Rin--told them I had an abusive boyfriend, so they seem to think he's the one who stabbed my neck. My parents also visit. They know about Kaito now too, and tell me that they're going to send me back home with them, for my own safety. I think that's relieving. I feel much better now that my parents know to protect me.

Around noon, an unfamiliar girl enters my room. She looks like a patient, with her flower-print hospital robe. "What are you doing here? Who are you?" I ask.

The girl smiles. Her teeth are just a bit crooked, and they're the color of pale daffidols. "I've, um...been here a while. I like to get to know everyone in this part of the hospital."

She takes slow, light steps toward the end of my bed, stepping on the filthy tile floor like it's a fragile cloud. She looks at me questionably, with bright blue eyes that contrast the light brown color of her skin, and when I nod, she sits down by my feet. Her beautiful pale pink hair falls around her, like a rainfall of cherry blossom petals. "My name is Luka. Luka Megurine. I've...been a patient here for two years."

"T-two years?" I sit up, slowly so I don't startle Luka. "That must be...awful."

Luka smiles sweetly. "It's not all bad. They let me out from time to time. They say I'm recovering really well."

"Recovering?" I ask. "From what?"

"Tell me your name."

"Um...my name is Miku Hatsune." My gaze falls from Luka's beautiful eyes to her barren arms. I can make out hints of slim scars. I look back up at her, realizing that staring at scars on someone's arms probably isn't the best idea. "I, um...I think I stabbed myself in the neck. That's why I'm here."

Luka's eyes widen, raising her hands to her mouth as her focus drifts to the bandages around my neck and wrists. 

"B-but I'll be fine, really," I reassure her, or at least I try to. It seems to be enough to calm her down. Her shoulders relax and her slender hand lowers to her lap, resting on the skirt of her hospital gown dotted with little pink flowers. "They haven't sent me to an asylum, after all. They might not even know I'm the one who did it."

Luka nods. "But...if you were only stabbed in the neck, does that really need surgery? I mean, it obviously wasn't deep enough to kill you, and when I watched them take you into the room it was only a few days ago."

I can see why she's confused. From what I can tell, this is the surgery section of the hospital. They wouldn't keep me here if they weren't going to perform surgery at some point. "They told me that I had a hemorrhage and a penetration...or something. I honestly wasn't paying much attention."

Luka giggles, a soft, deep melodic laugh that convinces me to smile and exhale a little laugh of my own. "I wasn't paying attention when they first told me what was wrong with me, either," she says.

"If you don't mind me asking...what  _is_ wrong with you? As in, why are you here?"

Luka holds out her right arm, the one with scars. On the side that was hidden from me before, I can squint to see ugly spots differing in size, slightly darker against the soft background of her skin, like greenish-brown marks on a smooth brown jasper stone. "I have some sort of blood disease," she explains. "It makes my skin bruise. But I'm getting a lot better! The doctors told me I might even go back home after a couple weeks!"

"But you've...been here for two years, right?" I ask. "Shouldn't your bruises have healed by now?"

"Well, these are my last ones, I think. They think they've finally done a successful surgery to stop it, so after these guys are gone I shouldn't have any more bruises!"

Someone appears in the doorway. Luka turns her head to look, and I follow her eyes to a man in a white doctor's coat, his stubble framing a stern frown on his thin face. "It's lunchtime, Luka," he booms. "Get back to your room."

Luka glances back at me, gives me a charming crooked smile, and slides off my bed onto the floor, her feet landing softly in their plain white socks. As she leaves the room with the man, she waves, and calls in a whisper, "Don't forget to eat!"

When the two of them are gone, I let my head fall back onto my pillow. Suddenly, I feel an all-too-familiar chill behind me. I roll my body over to see Milla, sitting on the floor beside my bed with her legs crossed underneath her tattered white dress. She turns her head up to look at me through the black bangs that fall back just a tiny bit, and smiles. "Long time no see."

I keep my voice at a low whisper. The door is still open, after all, and I can't close it. Usually I don't risk talking to Milla in places like this, but I have to know. "How long?"

Milla shrugs. "I don't pay too much attention to time. I'm guessing you were out for three days or so." She lowers her head again, and begins drumming her fingers on her knee. "You're sneaky, you know that? You waited till I was out exploring to do the deed. But you can't stop me from sensing what's going on." Her fingers stop drumming and drift toward her other wrist. "I'm bound to you, after all. I had to find the closest trustworthy person, and it just so happened that the twins were taking a walk. It's not easy grabbing someone's attention when you're incorporeal, you know."

So, it was Rin I saw last night. And I'm guessing it was Rin who brought me here and told my parents about the situation. 

Milla continues. "I like that girl that came just now. Luka, was it? She's kind. I hope you don't go and fall in love with her. I saw that look in your eyes. It's too soon, dear."

I glance back at the doorway to ensure there's still no one in earshot. "Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Oh, please. No one blushes like that unless they've fallen in love at first sight."

Blushing? She must be teasing. I don't remember feeling hot in my face as I talked to her. Maybe Milla is talking about Luka. Although, now that I think about it, I don't remember her blushing at all either. Maybe that's just because her skin is darker than mine. And if she were blushing, it would be kind of a similar hue to her beautifully flowing pink hair. And her vibrant sky-tinted eyes would probably be too distracting to notice her blush, anyway. And Luka is already so lovely looking, a cute blush in her face would probably not look out of place at all. And--

Shit, she's right.

Milla smirks knowingly, but she doesn't say anything. Maybe she can read minds. Of course, given my mental state lately, she probably  _is_ my mind.

In any case, she's right. I think at this point I'm ready to accept that Kaito is awful, everything was his fault, and our relationship was unhealthy to begin with. All those subtle warnings in his behavior don't show up in Luka. Then again, I've only known her for about ten minutes.

Still, if, hypothetically, I did start dating Luka, how do I know it won't happen again? Even if she doesn't hurt me, something tragic is bound to happen if I dare face my feelings for her.

I guess it doesn't matter in the long run. What are the chances someone so wonderful and enchanting could ever feel love for someone as weak, pathetic, and stupid as me? And if she did, what are the chances it wouldn't be just like Kaito's "love"? The best thing to do is forget about it.

Unfortunately, forgetting about something involves avoiding it, and I really can't do that. It's not like I can tell Luka to go away, her heart is too kind. So for a few hours, Luka visits my room again, enthusiasm brightening the smile on her sweet face, and starts to talk.

The words spill through her lips in a smooth, soothing stream, rushing so swiftly I can hardly respond. But I don't want to, anyway. Her voice on its own is like a cleansing ocean that washes all my worries away. I can feel a surge of joy in my heart whenever Luka stops to smile, or when she amuses herself and her stream of stories and jokes is briefly halted by a fit of giggles that I'm compelled to join.

She starts asking me questions. I answer without hesitation. That's when she reminds me of Kaito for the first time.

I never noticed it until now. When Kaito was getting to know me, it used to be just like this, in a safe zone where we were completely comfortable with everything we shared. But something strange started to happen when I was about ten. I didn't pick up on it, since I was so much more clueless and impressionable back then. He stopped asking about my favorite ice cream flavors and the first movie that made me cry. One day, he asked, "What would you do if you killed me by accident?" Then he asked, "Do you know what dead bodies look like?" I felt scared by the mere concepts, and it was the first time I remembered stuttering when answering him.

After that, he asked, "Do you think you'll lose your pigtails when you die? I hope not." I cut my pigtails short and started wearing them lower, so they wouldn't be so noticeable.

"Do you think a boy would kill you if he loved you enough?" I stopped spending time with other boys.

"What if someone steals your body when you die?"

At the time, they were just odd questions that scared me. But now I realize he was a monster even then. A necrophile. He wanted to know what his attractive little friend would look like hanging dead on his wall. He wanted that image in his mind.

Only now do I remember the old times when we were just two kids having fun. It's not a bitter memory. It reminds me of the feelings I've wanted to regain since the moment I realized my best friend saw nothing in me but a tool for his lust.

But then...what would happen later? What if Luka becomes like Kaito? What if whatever happened to Kaito when he was thirteen were to happen to Luka?

Luka eventually leaves for dinner, and I take a nap, only to be awoken a few hours later by a girl gently shaking my shoulder and whispering my name. I open my eyes to look right at Rin, her frame brightened by slowly fading sunlight from the window behind her. Her eyes blink and widen, and she takes a step back, lifting her small hands from my body.

She doesn't say anything until I sit up. "What time is it?" I ask, my words softened by drowsiness, as I rub my eyes to clear up my vision.

"It's...it's a little past seven. I'm sorry for waking you up. I just wanted to check on you."

When I look at her again, she's avoiding my gaze, biting bits of skin off the tip of her thumb and staring at the floor. She's wearing a simple outfit, a loose, long-sleeved gray shirt and soft black pants that cover all but the toes of her faded white sneakers. "Are you in your pajamas?" I ask.

Rin looks back at me to answer. "Yes. I have school tomorrow, after all. I don't want to make more unnecessary laundry, my family has enough on their hands."

"What do you mean?"

Rin lowers her thumb from her lips. "Oh, haven't you heard? Kaito's on the run."

"On the run?"

"He's in hiding. The cops found him out." Despite the faint anxiety in her teal eyes, she flashes a smirk at me. "I guess your rich parents must have helped with that. I told them about Kaito, and I finally had the guts to tell them what they did to me and you and Len, and probably Gumi."

That's right. Gumi stopped coming to school a little while after she started dating Kaito. I've been thinking about so many stupid things today I haven't had room to worry about her too. "What happened to Gumi, anyway?" I ask. "Did she ever show up to school again?"

"Oh, she's..." Rin looks away again in hesitation. "Well, I was going to say  _fine,_ but from I hear something really awful happened with her. She's  _alive,_ at least."

"Something awful?"

"I don't know what it was." She starts biting her thumb again. "Probably because of Kaito."

"Oh, wait. You said your family has a lot on their hands? What does that have to do with Kaito?"

"Well, it's pretty personal to us." Rin's words become slower, as if she's thinking carefully about each one. "Len dropped out because of it all. The trauma was too much for him, so he wanted to stay home. And there was that case we lost back when it happened."

She must be talking about Len's rape. I never actually talked to Len much, but now that I think about it, I saw less and less of him a little after I turned thirteen. The few times I did see him, he was either with Rin or shut in the guidance office. Over the past couple of months I haven't seen him at all.

"I think I changed my mind about going to high school," Rin continues. "Our parents are really stressed, and someone has to take care of Len. And he did something that day that was really strange...it kind of scared me."

That day? "What do you mean?"

"I mean the day we found you in your kitchen. I was taking a nighttime walk with Len. He likes to take walks at night to clear his mind, but he's also paranoid, so it only helps if I go with him. And in the middle of our walk, he suddenly grabbed my arm and ran with me all the way to your house. And a few minutes later, he acted like he didn't do anything, and he seemed really...confused, and dazed. It was scary. Like he was possessed by something." Rin runs two fingers through her short mess of golden hair, forcibly tearing through the knotty bits. "He doesn't even know you, does he?"

I shake my head, then look back. That couldn't have been Milla, could it? She's nowhere to be seen, so I don't have an idea how she'd react to Rin's words. I turn my eyes back to her. I can't just tell her that her brother was possessed by a ghost. "Uh...maybe he had a panic attack or something?"

Rin sighs. "I don't know. It scares me if I think about it too much. Anyway, how's your day been?"

Considering her own experiences with Kaito, she probably knows more about  _that_ part of him before I do. Maybe if I talk to her about Luka, she can help me figure out if she's safe.

"Luka?" Rin raises her eyebrows. "Is she the pretty girl with pink hair?"

"You know her?"

"Well, no, but I've run into her during my visits. She seems really sweet. Before I came in here I saw her. She said she talked to you today, and that you're really cute."

"She thinks I'm cute...?" My voice softens with a familiar heat rising up to my face. "She said that?"

Rin's normally icy gaze softens, and she giggles, a wonderful and rare sound. "Someone's got a crush."

I tuck my chin into my chest, rubbing against the gauze around my neck. "That's what I wanted to talk about. I'm not sure if I like her that way or not. And even then..."

Rin's eyes narrow in sadness, and they look away again. "You're scared because of Kaito, aren't you?"

"Right," I sigh.

"Well, it's never easy to tell if things will work out in the end." Rin bites her thumb again, lowering it only when she speaks. "I don't know what to tell you. But if you do start a relationship with her, at least you'll recognize when things get dangerous, you know?"

"I guess so," I reply, before letting myself fall back onto my pillow. "But that doesn't make me feel too much better, even though it should."

"I get it. I'm sorry."

I make a little effort to give her a small smile. "Don't be sorry. It's not like you can control my fear."

After a few tense, silent moments, Rin turns to the door. "I think I'm going to go home. Is that okay?"

"Yes," I reply. "I hope you have a good night."

Rin sighs as she opens the door. "Me too," she says, quietly, almost to herself. She pulls the handle weakly behind her as she leaves, so that the door slowly bumps against its frame, leaving a thin crack of light behind.

As soon as her footsteps are out of earshot, I hear a quiet echo of a giggle. I turn my head to see Milla sitting cross-legged on the floor, her head tilted up at me. "I guess you think I posessed that boy?"

I glance back at the crack in the doorway, listening for any footsteps, before turning my eyes back to Milla to answer quietly. "Who else could it have been?"

Milla nods. "I see. Well, I had no choice. I'm lucky his mental state is so vulnerable, or else I never would've been able to focus."

Wait. Milla says I was out for about three days or so. No one seems to act like it, but... "You didn't possess  _me_ at all, did you...?"

Milla shrugs. "Even if I wanted to, you're too sane for that." 

That doesn't sound right. I feel like she might have had some sort of influence over me, not too long ago...but I can't quite remember the exact details. So I drop it.

"In any case," Milla says, "I see you're still thinking about that girl. If you think she likes you, maybe you should get close to her after all."

Why would Milla try to encourage me to go after Luka now? Just a few hours ago she wanted me to avoid her. And I still think it would be best.

Milla continues. "I think you should make it clear just how much you've suffered. Maybe exaggerate a little. That'll let her know not to do the same thing."

That seems like a good idea, at first. Not only would Luka know how to  _not_ treat me, if she ends up being a bad seed she'll avoid me altogether once she realizes I'm familiar with the warning signs of abuse. Or at least, I think I am. I can't help but feel paranoid the next day every time I talk to her. Like there's some malice hidden neatly under the blanket of her kind, innocent voice. And it's already too late to avoid sorrow. I'm already completely lovestruck. If Luka does end up being as awful as Kaito, I'll have to live with the fact that someone I trusted with everything in my heart was only using me.

"The problem is," Milla whispers, as she watches from behind me as I listen to Luka, "you're not making a big enough deal of your pain."

But I don't think I could do that. That would be so manipulative, and I don't want to force Luka to like me. I'm not sure I want her to like me at all. Every time I even think of her, I feel a cold chain tighten around my heart as it oozes such awful emotion through my body. I keep daydreaming of living with her, kissing her soft, full lips, being wrapped in her warm arms with my head tucked under hers, listening to her heavenly melody of a voice...but then I have nightmares of what Kaito did to me, and what Luka could do to me if she wanted. At this point, she has my heart in her hands. I have no choice but to wait and see what she does with it.

Luka is the one who comes to me first. She's excited. She tells me we're leaving on the same day. I can't help but be excited too. I almost shout what I'm thinking, that I never want to leave her and I want to spend as much of life as I can with her...but it's so scary. That would seal my fate for good. And then she'd have total control over it.

She says she's allowed to come to my house with me. We have dinner with my parents. It's all a daze of blissful ecstasy. I can't remember anything clearly that day, only the way her voice reaches my heart, and the way my heart keeps thumping quickly with every time I so much as brushed against her. All leading up to her pulling me through our front door in the night, to tell me a secret.

Eight words ringing for hours in my soul, clearer than any of the intoxicating elation that rushed over me before.

_"I want to become a part of you."_

I don't understand it. From when Luka first approached me yesterday, everything has been such a chaotic blur. I can barely remember anything she said, anything I said. But everyone acts like I was functioning like a normal human being.

"I guess you just dissociated for twenty-four hours," Milla snarks, sitting at the foot of my bed, the one at my bedroom at my family's house.

I shrug. "I don't know. But I think it's okay. Luka is my girlfriend. And everything is working out alright. Maybe I just panicked so much over the future I shot right up to the astral plane."

Milla giggles. "You're really funny when you want to be. Just get some sleep."

But how could I sleep if everything felt like such a dream? If I wake up tomorrow, will things be okay? Will I still have such a tight bond with Luka? Or will reality come and choke me, clearer than anything that buzzed in my ears today?

The next morning's when the worst happens. I go to Luka's house as soon as my routine is finished. I must have asked Luka for her address last night, because I know exactly when to get off the bus. It's a quaint white house with windows blocked by dark curtains. It's too early for anyone to have left the house already, but nobody answers when i knock.

Maybe they're asleep?

Absentmindedly, my fingers curl around the handle and twist it down. I expect to hit the lock, but it turns all the way. Out of curiosity I push, and sure enough the door opens.

"Hello?" I yell into the quiet darkness. The door creaks and echoes in the house. "Are you home? Luka?"

The floor is hard and wooden under my black shoes, but after taking a few steps I hear a tiny splash as I step on something. I guess someone spilled something over here, so I turn and feel around the wall for a light switch. I don't want to slip and fall in the dark.

Light flickers into the room once I push the switch by the door. I lift a foot to glance down at my shoes, and see something scarlet off the sole.

Oh no.

Of course, when I turn she's only a few feet away. A woman slumped on the floor, her brunette hair covering her pale face. Her mouth hangs open, paralyzed, showing between the curtains of her hair. Her blouse is white and neatly ironed, but the fabric near her stomach is soaked with crimson, and the blood's trickled down the floorboards in a narrow stream to where I'm standing.

A knife rests by her feet.

My mind is blank for a moment or two before my thoughts run again, and the first thing I think of is Luka.

"Luka!" My voice cracks, and I notice my heartbeat quickening at the pace of my footsteps rushing through the house, glancing through the cracks of every open door until I found one closed, with a messily torn sheet of notebook paper taped to the front.

_Read the back of this before you enter_

No, there's no time to waste. I thrust my cold sweaty hand on the door handle and shove it open.

It's strange. The moment I look inside is where my memory stops. I remember how horrified I felt, and I must have screamed my throat out. I don't remember anything other than a flash of Luka's dangling body.

I saw a bloodstain on her pajama shirt, but I don't know what that means. She hanged herself. Did she try more than once? It makes me think...am I just destined not to find love? Kaito is a demon, and Luka killed herself before we even had a chance.

But why? She was so happy yesterday. What made her decide to escape to death? Am I cursed or something?

My parents seem confused when I shut myself in my room, but after sliding some notebook paper under my door they leave me alone. What is life going to be like if this keeps happening? Every time I get close to someone I'll see and feel hell when I least expect it. And it'll mess me up so much I'll just be as numb and shocked as I am now, all the time.

I really want to be a successful businesswoman when I get older. But you can't move boulders, so this twisted weight on my weakening heart won't go away, will it? How can I ever be happy at this rate?

Milla's been sitting on my floor, amusing herself by making different shapes with her hands. Once I start to watch, she stops and looks up at me. Her small smile is plastered on there as usual. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

"You know a lot about me, don't you?" I whisper, although there's really no need--my voice is already shaking and cracking, I can't be much louder.

Milla nods, and crosses her legs. She tilts her head expectantly. "Do you have a question?"

"Yes. Do you know...why was I even born?"

* * *

**Read the back of this before you enter**

My name is Luka Megurine. I'm sorry for the sloppy handwriting, but I'm in a rush right now.

If things go as planned, I'll be dead when you read this, and my body will be in this room.

I was born on January 30, 1999. I'm 16 years old. Today is March 28, 2015. I swear I never wanted any of this to happen, and as much as I hate to do so, it's probably proper to give an explanation.

My mother has always hit me and beat me. Even so, I still feel the need to love her, so I protect her by lying to everybody. At the hospital, the doctors believe my brain injury was an accident, and my lover believes my bruises are from a disease. I hope you understand why I had to hide it. I know I shouldn't, but I love my mother.

This morning, I woke up to my hungover mother yelling at me. Somehow she found out about Miku. Not only did I start dating someone without her permission, but I did it before even finishing high school.

She hit me, for being so irresponsible. And I made the worst mistake of my life. For the first time, I hit her back.

I'd never seen her so angry before. She screamed at me, calling me a monster, and out of control. "I took you from that miserable adoption home, nothing's stopping me from sending you back to hell." That's what she said.

Her husband, my father, died a few years ago. I told her that this is why he died, to get away from her, and I wish he would have taken me with him.

She told me she could make that happen, and she'd do anything to finally get rid of me. So she grabbed a knife from the kitchen, and she aimed it at me as she rushed in my direction. I don't understand, but in that moment I didn't have sympathy for her. I kicked her so she stumbled, and I grabbed the handle of her knife and stabbed her.

She died a few minutes before I started writing this letter.

I know she was trying to kill me, I know she hates me, I know she's an awful person. A monster. But I still love her, and I can't live with the fact that I killed her. If I went to court, I'd probably be found innocent, since it was self-defense. But if I chose to live, I'd remember her scream every day, the last things I said to her. She's right, I'm a monster, an uncontrollable impulsive demon. And now I'm leaving for hell, where I belong.

I don't have a will. I don't care what happens to my stuff.

I'm sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you had to wait for this chapter, i'm sorry it wasn't worth the wait. this was tough because umitagari is a pretty ambiguous song. (so is the next chapter's song.) i spent a really long time stressing about how this would come out. maybe i'll revise it eventually. i don't know. i'm sorry.


	6. Inevitability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, mentions/discussions of abuse
> 
> This chapter is (sorta loosely) based off of the song Packet Hero, which you can listen to here: https://youtu.be/M0gRV5J0rpA

Things will be okay. It has to change.

I felt it when she touched my hand. She's so warm, I want to hold her hand again. That was an accident, though. She seemed so flustered when she glanced down at her grasp, and she apologized, and I told her it was okay, but what I really wanted was for her to do it again. I think this is what being in love is like. The way my heart swells when I see her, and her forest green eyes twinkling with that adorable hesitation of hers. She seems so nervous all the time, but for some reason, I like that. It's strangely comforting.

I haven't seen Rin Kagamine since I was released from the hospital. I've tried not to think about that. I was worried at first, but that was washed away by the elation I felt when I saw Gumi again. I'm so glad she's alright, I'm so glad she's here and alive on this Earth. And something makes me want to talk on and on with her, and it's strange, we haven't really talked much at all before this school year. In fact, the only real connection we have is ~~_**our experiences with Kaito.**_~~

That means that I'm afraid to tell her how I feel. What would even come of it, anyway? If I try to imagine the future with her that I want so badly, it's just blank. It frightens me a little, but it's a good kind of fright, I think. The kind of thrill you get when you watch horror movies. It's euphoric, almost, but still a cause of hesitation. I'd get to know her, but she's such a nervous wreck all the time. I like it when she takes a second to look up at me. I like it when she talks with me, too. I can't tell how she feels about me, and I can't tell if it's obvious what I feel for her.

I'm surprised she decided to go to high school. Of course, most people do, but if Rin and Len stopped going to school because of their mental health, I would think Gumi would do the same, especially since she seems so fragile. She's always so fidgety and anxious, and she stutters nearly every time she speaks in her soft, weak voice. Why is it so cute? Is that wrong?

Why does it make me so happy?

~~ _**Is this what he felt?** _ ~~

We still go on the same bus. The high school we go to isn't too far from the middle school we went to, after all. I wish I could sit next to her more often, but I kind of want to watch, standing and clinging to a pole. She likes to scroll through her phone. Sometimes she giggles. It's soft, but I hear it. Giddy and breathy. It's so nice. I wish I could make her laugh like that.

One day, I decide to take a chance. There's an empty seat next to Gumi. She stiffens when I fill it, but she doesn't leave.

"Is this okay?" I ask, in a whisper so no one else overhears. She nods quickly.

The next few minutes are hot and silent. I don't mind not saying anything--the bus is full of people, after all--but why am I so hot? I'm probably blushing, but no one is looking. I can't glance at Gumi's charming round face without my heart skipping a beat.

The bus hits a bump in the road. A smooth, sweaty hand is planted on mine. I glance at it. Dark brown. My eyes follow the arm to Gumi's wide green eyes, darting from my face to our hands.

Don't let go.

Gumi's hand is cold. It's sweaty, which is gross, I guess, but the chills of her skin are so refreshing. It calms my heart a little.

When the bus stops again, she blinks a few times, her muscles relaxing as she glances around the bus. She murmurs something that sounds like an apology and she turns away. We don't look at each other again. Once our stop comes, I quickly thank the bus driver under my breath as we depart and walk in seperate directions, as always.

But today I stop as the bus starts again, and I glance back at Gumi. She's facing away, shuffling along the sidewalk, tightly gripping the straps of her backpack. Her short, bright green hair bounces with each footstep.

I love her. I love her. I love her.

That thought, so sudden and enlightening, fills my head. It's such an irrelevant thing, too. Just watching her walk away in bashfulness is filling me with so much adoration. And that adoration bursts into bliss flowing quickly through my veins like adrenaline.

I love her. I love her. I love her!

And now the sidewalk is a cloud that I barely feel beneath my tingling toes, and I run across it, jumping through my energy as I head to my home. Why is this so relieving? Why is this love I have so overwhelmingly joyful?

Once I leap into my bedroom, I toss my backpack on the floor, and tightly wrap my arms around myself, to contain the enthusiasm. I'm afraid to burst and yell. I want her to hold my hand again, I want to see her be flustered and bashful so I can see the faintest hint of red on her dark cheeks as she looks away.

My slender, sandy hand has something peeking through my dark gray sleeve. I roll up the sleeve to look at the tattered gauze around my wrist. I know why this is here. It's to hide a memory. But that memory's as faded and worthless as these bandages.

They don't belong on me anymore.

I stretch my arm out as I dig my fingernails into the crease of the bandages to forcefully tear it back around my arm and off onto the floor. The secret, just as I thought, is gone. The skin is just a little discolored from the bandage, but that should fade. I do the same with my other wrist. And now they're free of that memory, and now they're ready to feel today's air.

I glance in the mirror above my dresser. There's another bandage, newer, fresher, around my neck. Why? What memory could that be hiding? It ought to be gone now. Those memories are meaningless now, and I don't need to hide this one anymore.

My hands feel a sudden chill as I reach the gauze around my neck, and tear through it so it's released.

The memory.

I touch it, very gently. I can feel where my skin stops and falls into a discolored mark.

_Soon I finally wrap my slender fingers around the handle of a clean, unused knife. I can barely see its gleam from the moonlight flooding through the window. As I stare at the tip, an urge overwhelms me: ~~ **Slice your neck. Secure your death.**~~_

~~~~~~~~Why did that happen?

_I begin to wonder if every night for the rest of my life will be like this, where my heart is mended in my sleep, only to be broken in a million more pieces than it was before each time I open my eyes. If my dreams are full of such bliss, I'd rather never wake up, and be stuck in an endless, oblivious dream free of rage and free of terror._

Why did that happen?

_But even if I hate ~~ **Kaito**~~ for tormenting us with a false show of love followed by a surprise of demonic motives, I miss the times where I saw safety instead of danger in ~~**his**~~ face, when I felt warm and happy around ~~**him**~~ instead of paralyzed and enraged._

Why did that happen?

_I don’t remember what happened after ~~ **Kaito**~~ forced that god-awful drink inside of me. I remember waking up in a terribly familiar bed with marks on my wrists, as if they’d been binded, and a throbbing migraine. I felt repulsed with myself, and even though I wanted to escape to my house as soon as I could, I didn’t want to move._

Why is this happening? Why can't I breathe? Why is it so dark?

 _~~ **When** ~~ **I** ~~ **enter Luka's room, my body stops moving. Even my strongest** ~~ **w** ~~ **ill c** ~~ **a** **n ~~'~~ t** ~~ **m** ~~ **o** ~~ **ve my gaze away from her clou** ~~ **d** ~~ **ed blue eyes, sta** ~~ **r** ~~ **ing down at the floor with a dri** ~~ **e** ~~ **d-up p** ~~ **a** ~~ **th of tears lining her soft brown face. Her wrinkled pink paja** ~~ **m** ~~ **a shirt h** ~~ **a** ~~ **s blood stained all over the stomach. But I know it can't be hers, because she isn't lying on the floor. She's swin** ~~ **g** ~~ **ing ever so slightly b** ~~ **a** ~~ **ck and forth, from a frayed rope hang** ~~ **i** **n** ~~ **g from the ceiling.** ~~ **He** ~~ **r who** ~~ **l** ~~ **e body is so lim** ~~ **p** ~~ **and lifeless, but that can't be. She was so full of life just last night, when I finally told her I loved** ~~ _ _~~ **her.** ~~ _ _~~~~  
_

~~~~It can't change, it can't change, it can't change, it can't change. It's happening again, that same path I'm cursed to follow, over and over again until I'm finally driven to be dead, and maybe I'll finally be happy in that tempting dream.

Even my wrists, I can see the ghosts of that memory lingering, and those wounds, no matter what anyone else may see, will never be closed.

* * *

"Y-your hair looks cute today, Miku."

I've been sitting at this desk waiting for class to begin, thinking about something, but the sweet sound of her voice pulls me out, and I immediately forget what that something was. I turn to see Gumi, sitting at her own desk a few feet away, twiddling her fingers and glancing back and forth between me and the floor.

"What did you say?" I ask, clasping my hands together. Did she really compliment me?

Gumi scrunches her eyebrows, squirming just a bit in her seat. "I like your pigtails."

I raise a hand to feel it. Today I wore high pigtails instead of low ones. I forgot that I did that, which seems silly. It should be easy to notice something like that when my hair is usually resting on my chest. I don't quite understand why I changed my hairstyle that way, but if Gumi likes it enough to compliment me it must be a good thing. "Thank you," I reply, smiling. I wish I could compliment her in return without sounding obsessive.

After all, there's so much to love about Gumi. She's so timid and nervous, but she's so colorful at the same time. Her green hair is vibrant as candy, matching the paint on her fingernails, and her big glasses have hot pink frames. It all neatly fits her cute round face. She has kind of a big nose, and that just makes her more adorable. And she has such beautiful, bright green eyes like I've never seen, and I wish I was brave enough to hold her gaze long enough to stare into them.

How could I choose just one nice thing to say to her?

It's not something that can be resolved until the school day ends. Since my club isn't having a meeting today, I can go right to the bus stop. That also means I can't go home with Gumi. It feels lonely to realize that, but I guess it could also be a good thing. I don't know how much more often I could be near her without bursting with affection, so today I can have some time to cool down from all the adrenaline she gives me.

But that doesn't happen. As I walk toward the front doors of the school, I feel something warm clench around my wrist. For a second, I freeze and let out a short gasp. But the grip on my wrist isn't so tight. In fact, it's trembling so much it feels like it would fall to pieces at any second. But my muscles are still tense as I look behind me.

It's Gumi.

Her eyes are wide, a whole circle of white around each iris, and her plump lips shudder as she whispers, "I need to talk to you."

The movement around us slows. Students are stopping to watch, while others only slow down to give a glance, then start walking more quickly. But Gumi doesn't seem to notice. Her eyes are locked onto me, and even if she wanted to I'm not sure she would be able to look away. I see beads of sweat gleam as they trickle down her face. And I can't move or look anywhere else, but I can't say anything either. I know we're being watched. I don't know what to do, or how to get away from this paralysis.

Gumi's hand falls from my wrist, her whole body starting to shake as she glances around, then swiftly spins around and flees, her black shoes desperately pounding rapidly against the floor. On a whim, I immediately chase after her. I don't know where she wants to go or what she wants to do, but at this point I can't be anywhere else but beside her. I follow her into the bathroom, and only then can I catch up. She turns around, eyes glittering with fear and shame, opening her mouth but making no sound other than a soft exhale.

I fall back against the bathroom door. Now that we're here, alone in the bathroom together, I'm not sure what to do. We can't just leave and pretend this never happened. I sift through the words in my mind until I can utter a sentence: "What do you want?"

Gumi doesn't answer for a moment. She takes a step back, swallows, and says, "I-I have...I want to..." Her eyes squeeze shut. "I-I like you...I w-want to...um...I really like you, b-but...I don't know..."

"Do you want to date?"

Gumi flinches, eyes opening in shock. It startles me, too. A question fluttered through my mouth without any sort of thought or hesitation. Should I take it back? Should I change my mind? Is there a way to turn back on this lovely girl, watching me in bewilderment, and abandon her so we can forget we said anything to each other?

She nods.

There's no turning back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Clutching the hem of my skirt in nervous anticipation, I rushed towards ~~ **him**~~. As I got closer, my heart relaxed. ~~**Kaito**~~ was the kindest person I knew. Thoughts and memories of ~~**him**~~ were soft and comforting._

_I grasped ~~ **his**~~ hand and told ~~**him**~~ I was in love with ~~**him**~~. A smile spread across ~~**his**~~ face. I didn’t see it back then, **but as time went on I realized ~~e̴x̴a̸c̸t̶l̵y̴ ̴̜̾~~**_ ** ~~w̸̛̪̝̔̂̍͂͗͘~~ ** _** ~~ḩ̵̧̥̺͇͉̙͉̫̺͔̬͕̟̭̖͈̬͎̫̝̍̓͑̅̂́̃̈́͑͛̈́͋͗̕a̶̧̨̢̡͉̦̘̗͉͎̠͓͓̘̗̹̺̯̰͚̲̻̒̾́͜~~ ** ~~t̷̳̱̼͇͚̻̝͌̉̾͊̽̽̏͋͑͂̿̀̒͂͊̎͋͠͝͝~~ _ ~~̴̢̧̛̼͚̗̣̬͖̩̯̘͇̫̠̣̼̞̜͖̩͉̠̤͉̭̮̓̊͂̓̈̈́̄̒̓̊̄̌̈́̎̑̾̔̂̀̒̈̌͗̔̋͑͂̽̚̕̚̕͜͝ḧ̶͚͖̜̭̙̼̪̤͙́̑̒̒̽̆͂͘̚͜͝͝ͅ~~ **~~e̷̢̛̳̥͉͈̣̮͙̙̖̬̖̹͍̞͈̱̬̝̺̺̲̮̪̝͍̩̣̓̍͐̒̈́͜ͅ ̴̢̛̛̠͔͖̱̼̤̘͙͚̺̜̳̪͖͖̣̳͉̓̒͛̃̂̄̃̓̽̃̈́̓͂͊̓͌̿̌͗̐͂͐̈́̎̇̈̈͜͠ͅt̶̨̡̡̡̧͉͈̥̩̣͈̥̖͓͎̣͇̮̮̝̝̩͈̜̩͔̮̗͇͉͕̬̘̥̬̘̩̫̫͚̙̫̫͎̖̳͍̲̪͍̱͇̙̳̼͙̬̯̦̣̠͋̾͋̀͒̒͊͛̓̋͒̈̿̄̍̅́̅̽̾̉̓̏̐̚̕͜͜͜͝͝~~ ** _**~~h̴̢̨̫̙̣̺̟̹̺̞̫̳̥̜͗̌͂̅̿̏̏̋̎̅̈́̈̋͘̕͝͠͝͝͠ơ̷̢̧̡̛̼͚̥̠͓̥̜̳͍̘̱̮̫̪̾̅̽̎̉̆͐͒̐͊͒̄͒̄̔̈̏̐̀͑͐͛̌̈́̓̄̐̂̒̿̍̑̆͆̍͋͋̌̽͌̍̋̒͐͊̀͆͒̆̐̔̏̈́̑͑̊̿̋̽̋͌͊͆͘͘̚̚̚͜͝͠͝~~ ** _ **~~ư̷̢̡̧̨̧̧̡̨͖̗̜͎̦̪̲̗̣̝͍̗̝̩̫̰̪̜̫̺̲̝̼̺̳̫̬̜̭̫̳̘̠̠̼͈̫͉̮̠͖̥͈̤̗̠̞͉̘̣͕̙̗̳̩̠̩̗͐̎̽̓̓̓͌̐̾̂̑̈́͆͆̆̂̽͋͂̿͆͑͂̒̂̊͐̈̄̆̆͐̕͘͜͝͝ĝ̷̢̡̡̧̨̧̡̢̧̧̛̛͈͎͉̝̹̫͉̫̘̜̯̮̹̦̼̭̫͔̘̦̱̞̫͕͔̮̱̯̳̺̦̘̞͎̫̭͓͇̻̘̪͉͉͚̠̠̳̬̰̳̗̰̝̪̯͉̣̥͙͍̗̜̼͚̼̥̉̑̎̈͛̉̂̄̾̂̐̀͋̈̈̉̊́͌̓̈́̑̒̈́̑̾̂̾̆͆̐͐̐̃̒̂̀͆͂̎͊̒̏̍̃̊̄̀̾̓̒̏͌̿̈̎̉͛̏̓̽͘̕̕̕̕̚͠͝͝͝͠͝ͅͅͅh̶̢̧̨̡̦̫̟͉̗̜̭̮̪̟̝̼̮̼̝̦̣̲̱͔̼̞̰̬͈̘̰̠͍̲͉͇̟͔͉͎̜͖̙͑͌͒̈̏͋͛̿͆̏̈́̅͌̃̿̏́͆̾̀͌̒̓̔̃͂͂͂͘̚͠͝͝͠~~ ~~ţ̶̢̧̖͔̱̦̺̠̖͇̪̹͎͎̙̫̱̻̯̞̤̱͎̰͓̙͈͇̪̹̪͇̝̣͍͙̦̺̺̬̲͈̣͇͍͓͍̯̹̖̘͔̦͍̠̭̖͍̦͎̄̇͗͆͆̈̃̓̒̾̐̉͑̓͋̃̊͋̐̎̉͌͋͛̊̏͛̿̂̔̑͑͒̆̇̇͐̓͗̑̉̐̏̏̅̍̑̚̚̚̚͜͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝ͅ ̸̧̡̧̢̡̨̛̛̛͉̮̣͔̼͙͓̺͈͙̼̗̥̞̼̜͈̝̬͎̫̠̠͈̭̳̣͕͕̱̤͙̱̖̣̙͇̼̮̯̰̺̲͚͖̞̗̱͉̦̪̰̻͛͒̑̂̿͑̽̃̌̈́̒̍́̾̐̾͂̾͒̋̓͛̌̑̒̂̄̓͛̃̋̄̀͌̈́̃̇̓̄̄͘̕̚̚͠͝ͅḅ̶̨̘͈̯̠̳̈́͂̄̐̓̈́̈́̈́̉͛̄͌͆̆͑̓͆͋͆͗̿͐̏̑͆͗͑̐͑̋̿͋͆̐̓̎̓̌̽̈́̌̆̄̑̔̏̅̃̑̒͆̆̕̕̚̚͠͠͠͝͠͝͝~~ ** ~~ȩ̴̡̧̧̧̧̢̨̧̡̢̨̧̧̡̞͕͔̼̙̺̳͈̣͖̰̖̤̞͉͍̤̙̱̪̲̳̟͉̫̰̥̹͈̲̣̬̼̥͓̝͍̠̥͔̯͙̞͎͙̘̠̯̟̪͓͖̰͙͓͉͕̝̩̥̘͍̦̘̘͙̙̪̫̻͕̠̰̩͖̥̻̭͖̩̜͓͉̠̺̘͚͚̻͚̖̲̱̠̮̼̤͍̬̳̠̖͂̅͊̐͑͆̋̑͊͌̈́͆̌̕͘͜͜͠͝ͅͅͅ~~ ** ~~h̶̛̛͔̖̙̱̩͎͚̺̥̙̭̫͊̍̆͑̄͊̑̃͋̍̍̿͒͋͒́̎̅̐̈́͌̎̈̋̌͒̃̈́͛̽̔͛̒̄̈́͆̽̌͒̄͗̓̏͐̌̓̈́̆͆̊̓̀͊̌͊̏̓̈́̋̋͌͌͋͒̄̆͘̕͘̕͘͝͝͠͠͝i̴̧̛̩̺̙̳̼̮̘͎͍̭̩̗͚̰̹̹̗̗̼͙̙̤͈̠̖̻͂̊̉̔̐͂̉̐̓̌͌͐̉̆̑̇̐̾̀͛̓́̐̎͑͆̅̏̀̈̾̆́͂̊͐͆͌͑͑̌͑̉̀͗̂͐͛͗̂͌̆̇͒͊̅̈́̇̍̈́͗̊̋̚͘̚̚̕͘͘͜͝͝͠͝͝͠͠ͅņ̷̨̻̮͖̥̪̭̭͙̞͕͇̻̺̼̰͚͈̻͍̱̪͉̗̬̬͙̗̱̹͎̦̑̄̄̌̏̊̀̑̕ḑ̶̡̡̡̨̧̨̧̢̢̡̦̼͈̱̝͎̮̪̜̱̮̹̠̹͍͍̻̠̞̠̻̭̦̯͖̩̰̠̞̙̩͉̬̖̱̹̪̯̤̼̥͉͖̺̬̯͕̤̩̭͓͔̞̥̬̳̥͕̤̹̬̙͎̩͖̟̦̤̝̖̗̝̥͕̳͖͙̫͕̙̝͙̱͉̞̳̼̲͔̣̳̥̟̜̪̬͔̭̫̤̝̘͕͈̞̥̲͙̺̙̪̻͙̜̈́͆̋̏̃ͅͅͅͅͅͅ ̷̨̢̢̡̡̨̢̧̧̨̨̨̧̢̨̢̛̛̥̼̱͓͉͕̗̞̦͓̩̞͉̣̤̹̘̬͇͖̮͈̖̫̟͍̟̯̝͙̻̬̘̱̪̗͍̺̪̜̦̳̱͚͚̘̝͕̱͈̳͙̟͍̪͈͙̥͍͍͎̥̼͉̞͇̻̺͎̪̯̦͓͕̜̦͉̞̭̥͔̯̳͙͔̝̙̣̹̩̙̩͎̘̘͖̠̦̯͉̦̟͎̻̦͓̘͐͛̌͒͛̒̉͛̈́̊̌̈́͗̄́̾̓͗̈̄͋̽͐͊̽͑̇͌̿͌̌͆͐̑̓̍͊͋͒͊̋̅̐̌͆̍̏̂͛̓̅́̀̌̄͆͋̒́̓̏̆̉̾̂̈͋̊͐͂̄̊͗̾̏̽̈̋̍́̈̈̎̉͗̐̑̆͒̎̾̋̑̉͒̽͛͋̌̍́͂̃̃͊̓̏̔͋̈́͛͋̏̕̕͘̚̚͘͘̚̚̚͜͜͜͝͠͠͠͝͠͠͝͠͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅţ̵̢̧̡̨̢̨̧̢̢̢̨̢̨̧̧̡̡̡̧̧̛͙̮̙̦̥̤̹̰̫͎͈̘͕͔̬͉͔͚̠͔̘̜͚̱̱̱͉͎̲̝̲̰̫͉̩̘̻̯̪̣̱̞̦͍͙̰̣̗̼̩͈̩̟̱͎̖̙̘̟͇̞͖̯̫̰̹̭̞͍͈̬̦̫̬͔͈͔͖̞͓̠͇̫͚̟̤͎̗̠̹͇̜͈̱͙̪͔͇̥̼̭̗͇̩͍͓̪͕̞͇̝̟̻̗̭͈̦̮͍̼̳̤̤̙̱̭̰̳͇̞͖̜͎̲̜͚͓̺̳̞̤̪͈̞̗̫̲̺̝̬̲͔̂̐̍͂̀̈́̔̓͂̈́̓͒̑̽̅̓̊̐̈́̆͊̋̈́́̀̈̆̚̚͜͜͜͜͜͝ͅͅͅͅͅͅh̶̡̢̛̛͍̦̳̫̲͎̬̲̗̺͈̤̳̱̮͇̲͇̫͙̲̜͕͍̩̞͎̥̼̝͙̩̪̗͇̹̼̥̼̖̝̙̳͎̥̣̜͕͖̜͉̟̭͔͚̥̦͕̘̟͕̙͉͋̓̇͊̓͌̂͋͐̔͐̒̈́͒̌̏̈̍̏̃̎̅͗̇͒͊̓͑̅̓̅̀̎͋̒̐͑̋̆̑̎̊͊͆̉̋̇͐̏́̇͂̊͒̋̍͛̋͂̑͑͑̌̍̾̂͐̽̉̌̈́̇̅̐̄̔͑̅̐͆̎̊͊̎̑̇̍̒̇̔̒̍̊̊̐̀̾̉̌̉̇̈̆̓̋́͆̄͆̇̋̒̋͊̒̇̒́͐̾̽̈́͊̒̊͒͐̂̇̈́́̈́̎̽͗͑̽̃̈́̃̚͘̚̚̕̚͘̕̕͘͘̚̚̕͜͜͜͠͝͠͝͝͠ͅͅͅͅͅͅ _a̶̛̛̯̦̞̟̦̖̫̮͖̰͒̂̓̄̈́̍̔͑͐̓̾̒̽̅̓̇̔̒͐̐̎͂̋̈́̀̽͒́͌͊͑̉̎̉͐̊́̈̃̈́͑̒̃́̄̑͗̑̊̃̏̏͘͘̕̚̚͘̚͝͝͠͝͝͠͝͠ͅ_~~ ** ~~_ṯ̵̨̢̧̢̛̛̛͚̱̻̩̲̘͉̝̮͔̼̜̦̺̯͕̫͎̠͈̩͙̟̰̮̲̺̜͙͇̺͚͕̦̣͚̤͇̠̯͉̯̜͇̦͇̞̣͚̽̓̑̓͒̒̋̓͗̃͌̓͆̎̏̉̌̓͆̈́̿̑̓̐̆͊̅̒̊̐̿̃͊̈̄͊̓̋̐̋͌͆̄͐͑̐͗̃̋̾̀͂̏̏̃́̔͋̈́̓͐͐̉̓̎̆̇̄̽̔̆̀͑̀̒̈́̄̋̇̀̾̌̂͘͘̚̕̚͜͝͝͝͝͠͠͝ ̸̧̡̨̨̢̡̧̧̡̨̢̧̛̛̛̛̤̜̥̣̻͖̠̳͉̬̣͓͉͚̲͍̜͈̳͈͚͕̹̠͎͇͓̫̻̬̱̣̳͔͓̣̪͖͈̙̳͖̫̣̖͖̜̰͚̘͖̼̬̱̯̱̱͚͚̹̠̣̭͖͙͎͓͔͓̺̳͚̠͖͖̤̖̥͍̥͇̹̣̘̳̞̫̣̮͍̭͈̫̲̞͚̹͈̩̫̙͉̱̺͓̖̼̮̬̜̣̙͇̟̫̘͎̞̰͎̳͎̃́͂̽̈́̆̓̀̋̐͌̈́̇̃̈́͂̊̍̄͗̒̍̒̈̊̓̈́̉̓̄͑̇̈́̂͛̇̈͒̔͛͑͐̄̅̽̄̆̄͛̇͌͐̆̃̒̆̿̎̏̌̌̐̆̉̏͌͗̈́̾̍̐͛̈̓̆̋̀̈́̎̓̎̂̓͂̑̒̑͆̆̐̊̓͗̽̍̂̃̒̑̉̇͊̉̍̿͒̊̎̀̈́̊̐̄̄͑̔̓̈́͐͒̓͊̃̈́́͋̒͗̿̽̒̐̓̀̀͛̽̅̒̎͆͑̐̓͒̈̍̕̚̕͘͘̚̚̕͘̚̕̚͜͜͜͜͜͝͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͠͠͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͝͠ͅͅͅͅs̷̡̢̡̨̡̢̧̡̧̧̛̛̛̛̛̹̲̭̥̣̬̪̩̣̪̪͔̝̹͈̭̗̱̳̱̤̠̲͖̥̝̘̟͔̠̻̥͇̤͓͇̭͎̥͔̯̤̜̝̖̺̱̰̜̘͔̝̩̱͍͖͕̲̥̻̜̼̲̤̟̬̥̬̤͔̼̤̖͈͇͖̲̝̪̖̣̻̟̞̹̫͔͈̙̮̝̥̜̭̯̫̻͚̽͊̂̾̇̐̿͂̅̏̎̋̿̊̋̈́̐́̅̊͋̀͒̃̏̄͒͗̏̓͒͐͒͊̀̈́̏͐͂̾͒̽͂̊͒͗̒͊̎͂͒̑̽̿̉̽̄̄̋̍͋͑̄͛͋̍̉͑̈̋̅̆̆̏̉̓̒͋̿̃̀͆͆̌̽͋͑͑̓͌̂̌̑́̏̄͑͌͊̀̈́̌̒͂͗̃̊̃̃͗͛̊͐̃̊͑͑͊͒̿̾̔̆̓̈́̍̌̄̏̿͗͒̎̉͌̒͆͐̓̊̇̌̍͆͂̅̈̇̊̄͛̃̄̇͋̋̑̆̿͌̊͛̂̓͂̋̿̏̑͗͑͌̊̊͘͘͘̕͘̚̕͘͘̕͘̕̕͘͘͜͝͠͝͝͠͝͠͝͝͝͝͠͠͠ͅͅͅͅ_ ~~ ~~_m̵̢̡̨̧̧̡̡̨̧̡̢̧̡̛̛̛̛̛̻̝͍͉̰̙̤̣̥̻̟̙̜͙̙͎͔͖̤̭̭̬̥̯̙͓̫̝̗̬̙̱͙̼͇͕̺͙̪͕̣̲͚̥̬̜͇̻̗̪͉̣̭̻̮͔̦͍͙͍̣̬͓̱͎͖̻̗̺͎̝̲̞͓̗̜̥͇̦͕̣͙̻̱̳̫͉͎͔̯̗͔̟̻̮̭͖͚̫̗͇̠̜̜̖̠̯͉̯̳̜̹͉̰̺̭̺̘̣̠̻̯̘̫̣̬͙̩̱̜̒̈́͋͐̈́̎̆̆͊̏̽͐̌̾̐̄͛̑̾͐͐͒̏̓̈́͒͒̐̎͋̓̒̃̈́̆̄̈́̐͊̈̅̒̈́̏̏͐̈́̏́̄̔͆̽̑͆̆̋̄̓͌͗̂͗̓̄̑̉̈́͐̆͆̃͆̂̽͗̇͛̄͛̿̿̃̑͒͌̊͆̆̊̈͑̈́̌͆̑͗̆̀̉̅͐̔́̈̐͒̄̑̂̎͒̿́̌͋͛̈́͛̒͒̇̈́͗̊̓͛̋̄̾̑̐̍̆͐̒̍̂̃̆͂̉̎͒̿̾̓̆̆̈́̇̓̿̊͒̿̑̀̌͑͛̽͂̎̾̍̀͒͗̔͊̎̅̌̑̽̐̔̈́̔̈́̈̉̅͗̔̎̅͋̂̈͛̏̈́͑̍̎͂̿̄͘͘͘͘̕͘̚̕̚̕͜͠͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͠͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͠ͅͅͅͅͅͅį̵̨̢̧̢̨̢̧̨̨̡̨̧̡̛̛̛͕͙̗̤̪̩̪̝̤̠͉̬̟͇̩̹̤͉͚̱̟̠̥̮̯͖̪̖̣͙̯̟̲̦̠̺̫͉̼̫͔̱̖͙̱̖͎̗̹̼͉̳̤̞̥͙̣̗̝̪͉͙͖̩̙̩͎͓͈̪̝̩̪̟̦̞͍͖̯̩̜̘̙̣̝̠̭̭̤̙̖̖̺̩̦̺̤̙̭̥̫̺̠̱̠̞͙͙̦̖͔̙͍̠͉̟͋͛̈́̄͒̈̍̓̐̓̑͌̀̃͐̉̈͊̌͊́̈́̈̾́͊̌̎̅̾̌͗̅̾̌̋̎͑̀͗̂͌͋̅͆̄͛̇̇́͆͑̑̄̋̈́̓̎̉̓͌͐͌̋̄͑́́͋̌̄͗̅̏̓̾͂̀͋̎̎̓̓̓͐̀͛́̓͐͐̽̇̋́̇̊̍̓̌͗̈̈̒̓̾̑̐͋̍̂͒́͗̀̽̐̈̇̊̊̔̊̅͌̀̈́̊̔̓̐͂̐̾͂̾̾̎̍̓͊̈̈́̉̇͆̍̈́͑̏̃̃̈̇͌̏̿͗̍̓̈̈́̍̎̎̃̄̏̍̆͐͗͑͌̓̒̒͒̓̔̆̊̍̇̽̓̊̓̃̏̋͋̑̅̎͌̔̅̋̇́̋͗͌͑̿̈͛̕͘̚͘͘̕̕͘͘̕͘̚̕͜͜͜͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͠͠͝͝͝͝͝ͅͅͅͅͅl̷̡̧̨̧̧̨̡̛̛̛̞̰͚͎̥̫̙̝̻̻͓͙̤͕̲̘̬̲̞̱͚̹̮̫̮̭͕͍͔̝͔̺͉̺͙̝͕͈̝̼̤͎̣̦̦̟̹͈̖͍̥̣̼̝̥̥̬̦̤̫̮͍̞̻̐̊̃͗͌̄̈̈́̃́̅̐́̂̅̄̿͊̉̂̑̉̈́̓͌̑͌̍̔̉̐͌͂̀̉̓͆̾͛͛̒̐͌̑̋̊͛̊̌͑̎͌͛̉̈̊̾͗̊̉̏̿̓̿̾̔̎͊̐̔̍̋̈́͐̈̊͋͂̔̈́̉̾̈́̓̀̀̅́̏̅̔͐̽̊̃̆̾̃̊̑͋́̍̔̈́̉̒̆̂̀͑̓̓̈́̓͌̌̑͂̌̿̋̌̌̉͑́͛͌͊͗̈́̽̋̆͗̆́͒̏̀͊͂̒̑̃̊̈́̓̑̈̈́̈́̾͆̆̐͋͐̎̃̑̇̑̇̏̓͑̊̽͂͊̉̂̇̆̉̓̽̑͌́̍͘̕͘̕̕̕̕̕͘̚͘͘͘̚͜͜͠͝͝͝͠͠͝͠ͅ_ ~~ ę̸̡̢̢̡̨̡̨̨̡̢̢̢̨̨̢̡̧̢̨̡̡̢̧̡̨̡̨̡̛̛̛̛̛̗̳̤͇̺̥̣̜̣̻̮̪͙̦̟̙̞̠͚̮̠̙̩͙̺̩̣̰͈͓̱͙͇̥̫̝̩̦̙̬̗̹̰̤͔̖̼̰̜̗̣̫͍̩̙̬̩͎̻̰̦̥͎͕̤̮̠̩̱̬͉̳͔͚̖̟͈͉̻̳̜̠̫͈̻̯̭̝͖̬̥̟͈̱̻̩̗͓̼͔̝̮͚̬̲͔͖̥̯̥̖̹̝͉͎͙̤̲̜̼̻̜̮̲̠͈̟̥̗̲̠͚͕̩͚̮̖͇̮̗̳̤͙͖̬̘͉̣̲̱̹̼̥͎̭̦̬̹̰͙̬͉̝̝̜̲͎̗͚̳̞̬̞̰̘͇̭̦̘͚͙̺̯̜͎̙̺͍͈̬̤̱̗̻̼͕̝͇͍̥͖̼͍̟̬̜̱̗̙̟̬̱̻͉̦̤̣͔͚͍͈͈̠̭̭̪̺̳̲̪̰̗̞̥͙̙̝̺̫̜̥̻̖̯̥̗̝̠̖͎̘̠̙͔̿͆̄̉̈̐̄̈́̐̏̐̃̀͛͂̍̄͗̒̋̎̔͊͒̀͛͋̍̈̄͋̎̃̋̀̿͐͒͗͊̊̐͑̈́̈́̒͑̓̀͆̄̒̃̾̒̈́͌̉̇̽̀̎͆̅́͗̅͌͛͌̿͛̍͐͑̈̇͗͐̌̔̒͆̎̈̈́̈́̐̆͌͐̒͐̋̈̂̓̎̈̄̀̋̈́͛͐̉̉̐̋̍̄̿̅͆̀̀̃̍̑͗͂͗̿̋͂̾̀̀̊̆̓̈́̊̈͆̏̔̂̂͌̇̓̈̾̀͐̓̃̊͛͊̌̆̊̋́̎͗̀͌̒̈́̓̅̊̀̽̇͒̑̈́̎̒͊̋̔̌̆̀̒͋͋͛̑͗̂̉̐͗̂̑̒͛̃͒̉̉̇̑̌̀͊̽̐̈́̅̌̏̐̚̕̕͘̕̕̚̚̚̚̚͘̕͘̚͘͘͘͜͜͜͜͜͜͠͝͠͝͠͝͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͝͝͝͠͝͠͝͝͝ͅͅͅ ** ~~.̸̨̨̨̨̨̧̡̧̧̛̛̛̛̝͚͙͍̙͉̱͔̱̬͈̹̳͔̩͈̮̯͓̠͇̲͓̭̠͉̟̼̮̙̝͈̭̪̹̭̗̤̮̥̱̲͍̙̣͇͈͈͉͓̣͍̥̭̻̮̱̳̺̮͙̯̻̞̈̅̅̒̃̆̌̑̃͑̽̆̈̄͌̌̏̋́̉̂̈͑̀̀͑́̾̽̅͒̍̊̍̉̓̅̾̓̽͆̅̈̍͊̃̽̈́̓̓̊̊̈́̃̋̓̓̉͗͋̔̒̋͂̑̽͋͋̽̏͛̀͌͑͐͛̆̆͘̚̚̚͜͜͜͜͝͝͝͠͝͠͝ͅ~~ **

 

 

 

 

 ~~~~ ~~~~And now that this door  is opened I can't look back anymore, all this   innocence pulsing through her is going to be let out until she has no compassion and she's going tell me the truth about myself, that I'm a fucking idiot who never learns not to stay away from this disaster called love, that no matter what       I'm going to get myself hurt, over and over again until I   have none of this sanity left and I'm so desperate for anything to live for that I'll let anyone do anything to me as long as they tell me they love me. And I know that's true and even if Gumi doesn't hurt me now, she will, she will, she'll realize how weak      and pathetic and vulnerable I am and she'll tell me everything that I've ever done to her and there will be nothing     I can do about it, and even if she doesn't become strong enough to do that I know eventually I'll be the one hurting her and using her and making her my plaything, as much as I really do not want it to happen I know it's inevitable, I'll become an absolute demon just like him and turn her into an empty           core with nothing to live for but my words, and there's   nothing I can do to stop that      from happening, I can't run from that fate. Or maybe I've been a vicious predator all along and opening this path for myself is only going to release that hidden urge, and I won't be the same ever again, and I'll hurt so many people if I even look at her

 

 _one_        

 

 ** _more_**    

 

~~_**time** _ ~~

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry and I love you.

I'm not sure if that thought escapes my throat, and I can't hear Gumi's voice if she speaks. 

I just run away from that fate.

* * *

Milla is waiting for me when I finally escape to my room. I haven't realized just how hard my heart was beating until now, shaking each gasp of air I take. I can't find the energy to speak, so I only acknowledge Milla by glancing up at her through wet eyes. She raises a hand to her lips. "How'd it go with Megumi?"

That sentence startles me, not just because she referred to Gumi by her full first name, but... "How would you know about that?" I manage to breathe out.

"How  _wouldn't_ I, dear?" Milla giggles in response. "Did it go badly? Did she reject you? That's what I  _don't_ know."

I shake my head.

"Then why are you crying?"

I don't know how to answer. I don't want to think about why I'm crying, it'll just give me an awful numbing migraine. All I can do is weakly lift my fingers to my neck, where a bad memory rests. Milla nods. She seems to understand somehow.

"Hmm..." Milla smiles as she approaches and sits across from me. "Well, I don't think it'll be that bad. You'll never be happy if you keep avoiding it."

"What do you mean?" I whisper.

Milla shrugs. "I mean, if you love her and she loves you, how could it possibly go badly? I don't get the same..." She taps her chin in thought for a second. "... _vibe_ from her as with Kaito."

The mere utterance of his name makes me clench my sweaty fists defensively.

"You've grown since then, anyway, haven't you?" she continues. "I don't think you'd let yourself be hurt again. I think you ought to embrace that love for her."

Is it real love, though? Or is it just a desperation for anyone's intimacy? I haven't talked to many other people since I saw Gumi again, so how do I really know? I wish I were more nihilistic, so I wouldn't have to think about this so much.

I just want to sleep. I don't want to wake up or think about any of this ever again. But...I've tried that already, haven't I?

"I think that girl..." Milla's covering her mouth as she speaks, though the words come clear. "I think she's special. I think her fate may be connected to yours somehow."

I sigh, my breath still shuddering a bit, but my voice more steady. "So it's inevitable, huh?"

"Don't say it like it's a bad thing," Milla replies. "I never got a chance to do this stuff, so consider yourself lucky to be able to date a pretty girl."

"What do you mean?"

"Seven-year-olds don't know anything about dating."

Oh, right. I guess Milla's still seven when all is said and done, even though she talks to me like she's my grandmother or something.

"I think you should be her girlfriend," Milla says. "It would be good for both of you. And it's bound to happen anyway."

Maybe she's right. But...well, I'd rather not think about this, but didn't Milla come to help with the Kaito issue? I guess dating Gumi would help me recover, but...realistically...

"Milla..." My voice is quiet again. "Is Kaito still going to hurt us?"

"I'm not a prophet," Milla replies. "But I don't think he can."

"Then isn't your job done?" Milla's smile wavers, and I quickly add, "I mean, I don't  _dislike_ you, I owe you a lot, really, but..."

"You don't understand." Milla finishes my sentence and smiles again. "Well, you will. But I'm not telling yet."

The chills of her whisper are so ominous. I think Milla knows more than she's letting on. But something about the way she speaks of it...it makes me feel like I don't want to ask.

I guess it doesn't matter that much. The more I think it over, the more I realize that there's really no going back from here. My fate is already sealed. I'll just have to wait for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh yikes.....i had trouble with this one too because packet hero is also kind of an ambiguous song?? and i think i interpret it differently from everyone else, kinda like suji...probably why this one took so long. plus it took me a while to figure out how to end it...  
> anyway, sorry, hopefully the next chapter will be easier. that song's meaning is a lot more clear to me haha
> 
> also i feel like milla's age might be confusing? so if anyone cares here's a quick timeline:  
> 1993 - milla is born  
> 1999 - miku is born  
> 2001 - milla is killed, miku meets kaito  
> 2013 - milla finds miku and starts stickin around. up until this point she's just been kinda hangin out on a different plane of existence, so she does kind of grow? but only emotionally, really. other than that she's still a little kid  
> 2015 - present day! (in the fic, not irl. i know what year it is no worries)


	7. Kiss Me Before I Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, lesbophobia, self-harm, suicide
> 
> This chapter is based off of Eraser Girl (and a little bit off of Miseenen)

Miku Hatsune is the first person I've ever actually fallen in love with.

It's sad, isn't it? I'm in high school now. Even the students who don't make much time for romance have at least one crush before they're my age. I didn't. I haven't had anyone like this.

Well, I guess I did date Kaito. But that was different. I was desperate for someone's attention, someone to tell me I'm beautiful, and Kaito always was really popular. I didn't listen to the rumors about what he did to Miku, and I didn't care when he forced me to take off my clothes for him, because I was grateful for any kind of attention at all.

But one day I was having really bad stomach pain. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him that day, and I promised I'd do it next time. I thought, somehow, he'd understand. I was foolish. He'd never cared about me before. Nothing was stopping him from grabbing the knife, the blade gleaming through smeared stains.

"Are you crazy?" I sobbed.

"I'm perfectly sane," he answered, his voice trembling with rage. His fingers dug into the back of my neck. "I know exactly what I want. I want to cherish your body forever."

Just as the blade tore the skin on my body, there was a miracle. My hero, a woman in a tight scarlet turtleneck shattering Kaito's window. "Get your fucking hands off of her!" she shouted, her voice carrying a growl of fury, her hands bleeding as she pulled herself into the room.

She said she'd call the cops and an ambulance, then demanded me to flee as she restrained Kaito, gritting her teeth. And I was worried for her safety, but I was mortified at the sight of my predator, so I obeyed and ran. I wanted to run all the way back home, but I collapsed on the grass. My stomach was bleeding. I had to wait for an ambulance. I ended up passing out, I think, because I don't remember seeing the ambulance, but I did wake up in a hospital bed.

I learned my savior's name. Meiko Sakine. She visited me in the hospital eventually and told me that Kaito was in hiding. She also told me that I didn't do anything wrong, and she helped me realize that I never loved him in the first place.

As it turns out, I'm a lesbian. I understood when I saw Miku. I was in love, but it was different, it was real.

But high school is different than middle school. They're colder. Less welcoming. I don't understand why. Miku told me the teachers are more bigoted at this particular school, but it doesn't make sense to me that they'd still have a job if they're so hateful.

I'm half black, which might be looked down upon in other places, but here I've never had much trouble with it. But eventually I see what Miku means. One of my teachers becomes less and less subtle about her homophobia, and more and more insistent in convincing her students to think that way too. 

I think it's working. We decided to kiss very quickly in the hallway one morning. A few hours later, I saw a boy pointing at me, telling his friends, "That's her, that's the dyke."

The next time Miku tried to bring her lips to mine, I pulled away. She didn't persist.

"I'm scared of turning into someone like Kaito," she confessed one day. "So please tell me if I'm hurting you, or if I'm just making you uncomfortable."

With Kaito, the idea of speaking my mind was horrifying. But I'm not scared of Miku. When I told her about Meiko, Miku narrowed her eyes and bitterly replied, "She's a slut, you know."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"She's a prostitute. I'm not sure I want to trust her anymore."

"There's nothing wrong with prostitution, though," I pointed out. "And there's nothing wrong with sex as long as everyone consents." I don't like saying the word "sex," honestly. It feels too grown-up and too filthy. "And, Miku, I don't think it's fair to judge her just for her job. It doesn't define her. She can still be really nice."

Miku opened her mouth to speak, then covered it and looked away. Her muscles tensed. I could tell she felt guilty, and I did too.

"S-sorry," I quietly stammered, nudging my glasses to make my hands busy. "I didn't mean to sound like--"

"You're right, you're right." Miku shook her head. "You're always right, aren't you? I was being stupid when I was fourteen. I guess I never really thought it over again. God..." She hugged her legs. "I hope...I hope I never see her again. I'd be too scared to apologize."

I wasn't sure exactly what she meant by that, but I think I got the idea. It'd be really awkward to meet up with someone that you'd hated until recently.

Before we fell in love, I saw Miku on the bus when I was Kaito's plaything. I saw her stare in shock and horror when I met her eyes as Kaito slipped his hand into my skirt. I was trying to call for help with my eyes, because it would only end up hurting me more if I cried. For a second I thought she'd save me. But the bus stopped, and she fled, and I was his.

I wish she'd stayed. Even back then, I think I admired her and trusted her a lot. It took a while to understand. She was scared of the same thing. And from her constant self-blaming, I thought she'd have mentioned it by now. I wonder if she's forgotten, or if she's afraid of making me remember.

* * *

Miku and I eat lunch together every day in her classroom. She's asked why we don't eat in mine. For some reason, I can't bring myself to say that the students are homophobic. I start to doubt my feelings, I start thinking I'm just too sensitive. I've only said that I like her classroom better.

I think she knows the real reason, but she hasn't said anything. She hasn't said much at all today. The bites she takes into her food are small and cautious. It'd be cute if it didn't make her look so vulnerable.

"Are you okay?" I ask softly.

Miku nods without looking up at me.

"You're...you're not a very good liar."

Miku swallows her food. "If you know, why'd you ask?"

"I like making you happy."

Now she looks up at me and grins. Between her twinkling teeth I see a small piece of spinach wedged in. I can't help pulling her face close and kissing her. It used to feel weird to squirm my tongue into someone else's mouth, but I'm used to it. It's easy to pull the spinach loose. Miku doesn't even question it. She pushes her lips right back into mine, and I feel our tongues touch before we pull apart. Miku grins, her smile now spinach-free, and giggles a little as she says, "Thanks, I knew I had something in there."

The relief is short-lived for us both. I know the feeling of burning glares all too well. That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? We're two girls who, more or less, made out in a classroom.

Miku pulls my hand into hers.

In the edges of my vision, I see some of Miku's classmates twisting and scrunching their faces. The chatter among them fades out. I don't need to look around to know that all their eyes are on us. I don't want to see it anyway. I keep my eyes fixed on Miku's.

I want to apologize to her, but it'd shatter everything.

I feel Miku's fingers relax. She turns her head and nods toward the swung-open classroom door. I nod back at her and keep my head down until I'm out of the room.

We don't speak to each other again until she's walking me home. Halfway down the sidewalk, with no one else walking along, she stops and turns to me. Her eyes are full of turquoise fire.

"I'm going to scream at the next person who looks at you that way," she bluntly declares.

I doubt she could, but I'm glad she cares about me this much.

"It's my fault, really," I mutter. "I just...I could've just said you had something in your teeth."

Miku's anger is forgotten, and fades into a sheepish smile. "I liked it."

"I did, too, but..." I shrug. "I guess it just felt dirty."

"There's nothing dirty about it." There's something about the way Miku says it that bothers me, but I can't put my finger on it. Her words feel stiff, but I think I could be imagining that. She smiles again with more strength. "Can I stay for dinner?"

Fortunately, my parents are very excited about the fact that I'm dating Miku, so I don't have to worry about that sort of thing.

I don't like telling them about the way people act at school. My parents are very sweet and optimistic, and they don't really know how to handle situations in which I get bullied. I'm sure they have at least a little awareness, since homophobia and racism are so prevalent in society, not to mention the whole incident with Kaito that so many people seem to know about, but they don't know how to react to it. They just smile and treat me with kindness. 

I guess they think they can distract me from whatever my problem is. It doesn't usually work, but I appreciate the effort.

They treat Miku the same way, but from the way her shoulders hunch up against her neck and the nervous laugh she forces out, she's not nearly as used to it. She's too polite to say she's overwhelmed, so I always have to grab her arm and lead her to my bedroom. Today's no exception. They start with the usual, asking how she is and if tempura is okay for dinner, but once they start asking about school and our relationship, that's when I rescue her.

"Sorry," I tell her once my bedroom door's closed.

"You always say sorry," Miku replies, releasing my hand. "It's fine, Gumi. I don't mind  _that_ much." She gives me a soft, warm kiss on the cheek before adding, "Have you been doing okay lately?"

I shrug. She asks me this a lot. I guess I have to expect it, considering how hard it is to hide my insecurity with everything. "I don't want to burden you."

Miku reaches for my hands and gently laces her fingers around mine. "It's _okay_ ," she insists. "Whatever it is, everything's gonna be fine, I promise."

I find that hard to believe, but I don't want to taint Miku's optimism as long as she has it.

"Maybe you could use a distraction," she suggests. "We can play a board game or something."

"Distractions usually don't work," I say. "I'm not as strong as you are."

With wide eyes, Miku pulls her hands back. "What do you  _mean_? You're the strongest person I know, stronger than I could ever be, and it doesn't help that I'm so small."

"You're happy and nice to me all the time despite everything."

We both know what the "everything" is. Miku always ignores it. She always pretends that things are okay, and that we're not sinners for showing love. I hate mentioning the reality that the world will only grow crueler to us, but I can't be like Miku. I can't just smile and look away from it, as much as I want to.

"I know everything's going to be okay," Miku reasons, every time. I think she's lying. But I don't want to risk taking that fantasy away from her.

* * *

Miku spent the night here a few months ago. She was cheerful the whole time. I'm not sure if she noticed how bad I was doing. Maybe she just had a gut feeling that I needed some cute jokes and happy compliments. Other than that, she seemed very oblivious.

I was awfully guilty for holding in my feelings, and for not being able to be as happy as her.

The same night, I pulled a knife from the kitchen and cut myself. I remember a surprising amount of bleeding and the moment when Miku saw me, when her façade fell. The memories that follow are a faded blur of desparation and horror.

I don't know if Miku knows why I was cutting myself. I hope neither of us brings it up again. I need to learn to be more like her, and ignore all this pain for the sake of our happiness.

* * *

She sleeps here tonight, too.

It wasn't without any...resistance, to put it simply. To put it more bluntly, we decided to try having sex. Neither of us have had any real experience with anything totally consensual, and we didn't need to remind each other of that fact. I didn't know if I could really enjoy that sort of thing again. I thought maybe it would bring too many sour memories up like bile. But...it was great. Wonderful. I really like how it feels to touch Miku's body that way, and I really like the way she touched mine. Everything was so warm and fulfilling and satisfying.

And I absolutely hate that I love it so much.

I've already felt dirtied by the way Kaito touched me. It was unpleasant and unwanted and only brought shameful despair. This is a different kind of dirty. It's not the sweat mixing against our skin, it's not the hot, heavy way Miku is still breathing. It's the love that came with it. It's the fact that we have been trapped in total intimacy, in an inescapable sin that will haunt us as long as the world remains cruel.

Does the world even need to know? It would've been better with we had been a secret, if we hadn't thrown ourselves into the spotlight like that. Even if it was for the sake of showing defiance, or inspiring someone to follow our lead and be brave, it's an unnecessary risk.

A risk we have unknowingly taken.

Things are even worse than I could have ever imagined. When we go to school, we attract even more loathing stares. I don't understand the impending dread until lunchtime, when a group of three third-years barge through the door.

The girl in front, with long white hair and bright red eyes, is the only one I even vaguely recognize. I believe her name is Tei. Behind her stand two boys, one with purple hair tied in a ponytail and one with light red hair and narrow matching eyes. Without even stepping into the room, Tei lifts a finger and points at me. "That's the one," she states to the boys, keeping her eyes locked on me.

The redheaded boy smirks. "So it was  _both_ of his girls, huh?"

The purple-haired boy nods. "Yeah, good stuff. Guess he knew something like this would happen, especially with this pervert texting him." He elbows the boy next to him, who only replies with a sheepish shrug.

They all glance back at me one more time before leaving the room. 

I know what they're talking about, and I silently pray that I'm wrong.

The rest of the day is spent in a stiff sweat. I can't bear to look anyone in the eye. I feel bad for skipping out on my club meeting, but I can't risk letting anyone see me at a time like this. And besides, I'm not sure they'd ever even want to be  _near_ me again.

Of course, Miku's leaving school at the same time. I know her club doesn't meet today, so it's not unusual, but there's a fearful glimmer in her eyes. She's biting her lip, not even pretending to be okay. She must know.

I don't want to speak of it, or anything else. But Miku says it. Two words that fill me with a familiar terror.

"Kaito knows."

I shake my head, knowing that it's as bad as it sounds.

"Everyone knows." Miku doesn't wait for a response. Every word is weighted with shocked devastation. "He has friends. He has friends that I never knew about. One of them filmed us. He  _filmed_ us."

I wish I could be like her this time. I wish I could smile and say things will be okay, and hug her, and gently brush away the tears that I know are going to spill over. But I can't will my body to do anything.

Miku grabs my hand. "I'll walk you home. We can't take a bus."

All I can do is nod and walk alongside her. It isn't until we're on the sidewalk, occasionally being passed by a bus, that I can finally speak. "I don't want to go back to school."

"I know." Miku keeps her eyes to the ground. "This...this isn't legal. It can't be. My mother, she's one of the people who helped make Kaito a wanted criminal, she'll understand if we tell her what Akira did."

I'm assuming Akira is the one who did this. The one that was called a pervert.

"I'm sorry for not--"

"None of this is your fault."

The rest of the walk is silent. I don't bother looking at our surroundings. I don't want to talk or think about anything. I just want to be home. I want to sleep until everything is better.

Strong fumes jolt me from my longing. I finally look up at Miku, whose gaze is fixed on something in the distance, in the direction of my home.

Black smoke.

The obvious conclusion doesn't click. There's nothing I could react to. There are too many possibilities. There's no way it could be  _that._

Miku pulls me along on her frantic run, leading me to the source of the smoke. We both halt at the sight. I hear her gasp choke into a sob before we are overcome with a still, surreal silence.

There are no thoughts running through my mind. There should be. I know there should be. But all I can do is watch as the sight of flames and soot where my home once stood burns into my mind.

* * *

I remember waking up the next morning in Miku's embrace, hands brushing against my bandaged arms. She kissed my forehead as if I were a kitten. "Did you sleep okay?" she asked.

I nodded. I wanted to apologize for what I'd done the night before, but I knew how rightfully frightened Miku had been, and I didn't want to remind her. After all, I wouldn't have done much better, had I seen her in the same situation.

It was early Sunday morning, just after sunrise. We sat beside each other on the doorstep outside and held hands. Miku stroked my arm. "Promise me you won't do it again," she whispered, averting her eyes.

I wanted to say yes, but... "I can't. It's too hard." I didn't want to think about it much, or I'd end up sobbing through my words, but it was inevitable. "I don't think it'll ever change, Miku. I'm sorry."

I couldn't express the rest of my thoughts. I let my head fall against her chest. She gently combed her delicate fingers through my hair before murmuring, "I just don't want to lose you. At least promise me that you'll keep living. I'll be here. I promise."

It didn't sound so bad at the time. The day was beautiful, with sunlight framing the shadows of the trees, swaying with the light breeze that carried the fresh scents of springtime. I took a deep breath, drinking the air through my whole body, like I was hoping it would cleanse me.

"I promise."

* * *

The doorstep is now nothing but crumbled concrete, trapped in a cloak of blazing orange.

Just like the sofa we cuddled and comforted each other on, just like the TV that we watched anime on on a lazy Sunday morning, just like the table we fed each other little bites of meals at, just like the window where I showed her the beautiful view of springtime, just like the bed we cherished and caressed each other in. All ashes.

Just like the promise we made to chain each other to this world. Burned out of existence, the last, smallest flicker of hope gone.

Miku reaches for me. I refuse, smacking her hand away. She doesn't try again until I turn and run.

My mother works in a ten-story office building. I've only been there once. It wasn't too long before I gave in to Kaito. I don't have the best memory, but I know the way to the office. I remember the directions we took. My mom wanted to walk me there, so I could enjoy the scenery and clear my mind. When we got there, my mom let me walk around on my own for a while.

I took the elevator to the roof and thought of how nice it'd be to leap off and die.

I didn't, of course. I wasn't even having that bad of a day. Maybe that's just my destiny, to jump off the roof and crush my skull on the pavement. If I told anyone this, they'd freak out. Especially the girl chasing me, shrieking her pleas for me to stop for a second and talk to her.

Eventually, the footsteps behind me fade into silence. I slow down, just a little. Part of me wants to go back to make sure Miku is okay. I don't want to let anything bad happen to her just as she's about to be free of her burden. But I need to get this done as soon as possible. If I don't, it's only going to be more and more agonizing hell from here on out.

Besides, I've never been able to run this far for this long before. It has to be fate.

The office is very easily accessed. Some rooms need a keycard, and so does the elevator, but anyone can walk in and take the stairs. I don't dare look behind me, even when I hear the thumping on the stairs behind me. I'm almost there. I can't even say how many people are around. There's only one goal in mind. Get to the roof, climb the fence, and jump.

But then, the catalyst I turned away from lunges at me from behind. She misses, her blunt nails barely touching my ankles. I should ignore her, I should keep running, but I see the turquoise strands in the corner of my eye and I can't help turning around.

She's not hurt. She stands up almost immediately, so quick she sways a little before balancing herself. The first thing I notice is the dried-up trails from her reddened eyes to her chin. Her nose twitches as she sniffles, and lets a teary sigh through her lips.

"Are you breaking your promise?" Her voice is barely audible.

The second thing I notice, oddly, is that her arms are bare. At some point while following me, Miku took off her blazer. The last time I saw her arms was only this morning, after we sinned. It should impossible for the deep scarlet marks across her arms to be there. I would have seen them. I  _should_ have seen them.

"I thought..." Miku sniffles again, crossing her arms protectively around her chest. "I thought you were my last chance of happiness. I thought I could be innocent a little longer. That's why I was pretending everything was okay."

I've never seen her so broken and vulnerable. That's an awful thing to realize. But I can't keep my promise. She knows it as well as I do. The only thing I can do for her is hold her hands and force a smile, trying to look at her through my blurring vision.

"Will you kiss me before I die?"

Miku doesn't react. Her clammy hands tremble violently in mine. I hear her swallow something before leaning closer to my face.

The kiss we share is lined with the salt of our tears. It's a fitting goodbye.

Then I turn away, for the last time. No one else is on this roof. Good. I don't want anyone to watch me die. "You can leave now," I say, not waiting for Miku's response before I approach the fence and curl my fingers through the holes.

I kick off my loafers, pry off my socks with my toes, and climb. Every step I take upward is a step away from this life. A step away from this wasted prison, a step toward liberation and peace. I must ignore the dread filling up to my throat and the thoughts of Miku and the promise we made. This is the better end. This is the happy end.

The view from the top of the fence is breathtaking. Faraway pedestrians scurry across the sidewalk, an occasional bus speeding by. Do they ever think about how small and insignificant and fleeting they are? Do they ever wonder, if they are in a stranger's line of sight when she dies, what impression they would give? Would it even matter? Would any of these thoughts or sights or worries matter in the next few minutes when I'm dead ten stories down?

Of course not. It doesn't matter what my last memory is. It'll be ripped to bloody shreds anyway. So there's nothing left to do but to twist over and seat myself on top of the fence, then release.

Before I can even close my eyes and wait, a blurry shadow nears me, grasping both my hands.

"My adolescence is gone," she whispers through the wind. "I'm going with you."

We don't say another word. We can't. There's no time to think or blink or breathe, just to turn our eyes to the upside down scenery, holding each other for the last time, waiting for our escape from this twisted torture of our lives, knowing we could have avoided it but

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long. i was gonna make miseenen its own chapter but i decided it wasn't necessary. thank you for your patience.


	8. Disorientation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicide/death, brief body horror
> 
> This chapter is based off of the song Confusion.

I knew there was no way I could stop her from climbing the fence. That moment was full of fear for my future that she'd soon be erased from. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the thought of losing that joy again. 

So I followed her. I clutched her in my arms as we fell, thinking of all the ways we could have stopped it. If we'd been more honest, if we'd been more open, if we'd been more careful. I failed her. I couldn't stop her from jumping off the roof, so as punishment, I had to leave this world with her.

But I'm cursed with life.

It's a surprise to wake up in the hospital. To wake up at all, really. Other than the echoing tone of the heart monitor, it's eerily quiet. It's tough to believe that we're actually alive at first. The warm orange sunrise floods the room, and my eyes follow the light to Gumi, her eyes closed but her heart beating. It doesn't feel as much like as hospital as it does a strange, special afterlife for us.

I know I shouldn't stand, with the heavy bandage wrapped around my head, but I can't stand being so far from her. I have to take careful steps to her bedside. If she were awake, I don't think she'd be able to do the same for me. Her mouth and nose are in a mask, a needle stuck through veins on her arm. I try to avoid the little obstacles when I brush my fingers against her face. It's so dry and cold, so unlike Gumi.

I wish I could kiss her again. I can't even lean forward and kiss her forehead. My lips can only reach her left hand, which I pick up as gently as possible.

A few months ago--I'm assuming it hasn't been that long since we jumped off the building--I wrote a song for her. The first time I've sung in years. But it was sad, so I changed my mind and never sang it for her. But I can still remember the words, and she's sleeping anyway.

"I clutch my past with a patient gaze." It comes in a whisper, not far enough to reach her ears. It doesn't matter. Her eyes are closed, but I stare into them. It doesn't matter. "To protect mythical stories of lies...so strange, your voice has become so alien--"

Too soon, I'm trapped by a piercing, monotonous shriek.

* * *

"Miku, can you hear me?"

It feels as if she's been asking more than once, the way the words rush through her lips, the weariness of repetition evident in her voice, but still heightened by her alertness.

If this is the second, or third, or fifth or tenth time she's asked, I can answer now, but only with a shaky nod.

Before I can lose my senses again, I catch the sight of dark skin enveloping my sweaty hands. The warmth tethers me to reality. It's her, I've never been more certain.

"Can you talk to me?"

I open my mouth to try, but my heart, still racing for its life, threatens to force my words back down and suffocate me with them. I soundlessly shake my head.

"Okay, um...c-can you look at me?"

With all my strength, I drag my eyes from blurred hands to two vibrant green irises staring right at me. I couldn't look away now, not when I'm locked in her gaze. I'm fine with that. Her gaze is safe.

I barely see her lips frame her next words. "It was just a dream, okay? You're okay, we're okay...can you tell me? Can you tell me what happened?" She sounds less sure of herself now, as if she hasn't been my sole pillar for the past year or so.

Maybe my voice, as cracked and weak and barely hiding my vulnerability as it is, will encourage her.

"Luka." I choke it out, trying not to remember, hoping she does.

"Luka..." She repeats it softly and slowly, as if affirming it to herself. Of course, of course, she asks something else. "Was it a flashback again?"

I nod once.

"Miku..." Her warmth lifts from my hands to my cheeks, and I feel the tickle of her fingers under my eyes. "I-it wasn't your fault, okay? You know that, don't you?"

I nod again. If my throat wasn't so knotted with anguish, this would be easier for both of us. I speak around it, ignoring the deep tremor. "I don't want to lose you, Gumi."

"I promised, remember?" A steady whisper through white teeth, turned up into a faint smile. "It'll be okay. We're not letting each other go through it again."

I know what she's alluding to. The shock of heartbreak, the horror and guilt and rage...she understands.

I loved Luka. I really did. I'm not sure I ever stopped. But we didn't know each other for that long, and I think we both jumped from love at first sight. Gumi is different. The love I have for her feels like a sturdier connection, and even after we became lovers, we grew and strengthened and gave each other faith and hope.

Is that what a soulmate would be?

If I lost her, how much of myself would I lose?

* * *

"I heard Kaito was caught, finally. Him and his lackeys."

I can't find the strength to bitterly reply that I don't want to talk about him, that I don't want to talk to you. It doesn't matter. Milla knows, she always does.

"I'd love to leave you alone," she says, her tone unchanging, "but I can't. I'm bound to you." At this I roll myself over to glare at her. She giggles, the echo chilling my bones. "You're cute when you're mad."

"What do you want?" I force out each word, ignoring the rasp of unuse.

She turns away. I turn my back to her and close my eyes.

Because I think this is a bad dream.

It's happened before, even more vividly than this. Dreams of Gumi dying. The worst ones are when I'm the one killing her. When it's over, she's always beside me in an instant, surrounding me with warmth and comfort. I want to open my eyes and see hers.

Something in my gut is trying to yank down my heart, but it escapes, freeing me into my thoughts.

A few days before it happened, Gumi mentioned that I'd be turning sixteen in a couple of weeks. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her that I wouldn't mind just having cake with her.

Gumi's favorite cake is carrot cake. I'm not very fond of it, but after this nightmare, I would be awfully guilty not to treat her to some. She turned sixteen in June, and we had carrot cake then--that's how I know I don't like it--but I'm sure she wouldn't mind another chance to eat some.

"You're delusional." Milla's eerie chill creeps up behind me. "She's dead, dear. There's no more life to spend with her."

"You would have told me if she was going to die," I decide aloud, not caring who hears me anymore.

It's a lie, anyway. Gumi holds my entire future. She's the key to my ultimate happiness. It's impossible that only I would have survived. If she's dead, then I'm destined to die completely numb, completely empty of anything.

Seeing her body lose the last trace of life...that was a dream. Our hospital beds aren't even in the same room. There's no way I would have been able to walk over and look at her. Especially with the tubes stuck in my veins, and the heavy gauze on my head and torso. Although, it's strange that I can't feel the weight. Maybe this is a dream, too.

I wish I could see Gumi, though. I know she's alive, but I'd like to talk to her again.

I'd like to talk to  _anyone_ again, really. Ever since the nightmare I had, I haven't seen a single person come in. I don't know how long I've been in this hospital. I couldn't even begin to guess. The time that's passed is impossible to measure.

I suppose I'm always asleep when they come. Or this is still a dream. There's too many gaps in my memory for there to be any other possibility. At one point there were no tubes attached to me. Now there are. I don't know how they got there.

After I close my eyes again, my dream carries me elsewhere. 

**_Dark. Deceived. Axe's gleam. Furious eyes. Aching wrists. Torn, dirty. Cold metal. Pleading. Father. The first blow. Crimson blur. Speeding pulse. Strings_. _Choking. Broken eyes. Two pieces. Nothing._**

But it's strange how I return to this same hospital room every time. Maybe our suicide really did work, for both of us. 

I wish someone would wake me up. I want to see someone. If only I could sit up to write a note. All I can do is wait until I have the strength to shout. I couldn't pull an all-nighter. I've tried. Another sign it's just a dream. I can't hold myself to this setting. I can't control the dream. If I could, I'd be with Gumi again.

Finally, I decide to call out. I want to see what happens, who comes.

"Gumi?" Of course that's the first name that escapes me. It's the only name I need. In minutes I hear footsteps scurrying.

The white door opens. It's not Gumi. It's a man I don't know in a doctor's coat. His eyebrows are raised, then they knit together, before he slowly enters. "Miku Hatsune?"

I nod, not sure what else to do.

He smiles. Tight, forced. "Alright, can you sit up for me?"

It takes effort, but I do.

He takes a few steps closer. "Blink twice."

He keeps giving me simple demands. I don't know why, but since he's clearly a doctor, it's safer to do what he says. After all the weird tasks, he finally gives me information.

"It was a strange case," he starts. "It seems you were mostly conscious for some time between the traumatic injury and your coma."

A coma. So it was a dream. I can't help letting myself smile. "How long was the coma?" I ask.

"From August twentieth last year to February twenty-ninth this year."

So I missed my sixteenth birthday. That's fine. That's okay. All that matters is that Gumi isn't dead after all.

"You were in a vegetative state for some time after that," he continues. "Today is June twenty-sixth, twenty-sixteen."

"It's Gumi's birthday." Before I can keep quiet, I react aloud. 

"Gumi..." he repeats cautiously. "Who is that?"

Right, the doctors probably know her by her real name. "Megumi Ghana-Yamane. She, um...fell, with me." They have to know it was a suicide attempt, but it's shameful to say so. "She's my girlfriend. She turns seventeen today."

"Megumi...I thought you knew." He sighs and looks away, raising a thin hand to his chin. "When you became comatose, we found you by her body."

_Her body._

"That was a dream."

The man shakes his head. "It seems the shock only worsened your trauma. I'm sorry, Miku." He raises his eyes back to me, holding my gaze to the piercing glint. "Megumi passed away last year."

* * *

Just like that, everything was ripped away.

Milla asks me, "You weren't planning to spend the rest of your life with her, were you?" She knows I'm pathetic and broken. She knew this would happen. She  _knew._ She  _knows._

"You were never my angel," I mutter.

"I never said I was. That was your own decision. Just like how you decided to let her die."

For a second, I lose control, and my closed fist swings at her. My muscles relax just as quickly, and my hand is left in midair as I watch Milla's head drop onto the carpet.

Her body easily turns, picks the head up, and reattaches it. I always forget about the stitches around her neck. They must be what holds the pieces together.

"I hope that hurt," I grunt.

"I'm already dead," Milla calmly counters. "If anything could hurt me, I wouldn't be here."

"Why  _are_  you here?"

"I thought I told you already that I'm keeping it a secret." Milla clasps her hands together. "I think I'm almost done, though."

 _Done with what?_ Of course she knew this would happen. Of course she knew I'd get my heart broken over and over until it became dust choking me with every memory. She planned it.  _She orchestrated everything._

When she made the Kagamine twins discover me in my kitchen, she was making me suffer longer.

When she told me to pursue Luka, she was forcing me to find her hanging corpse.

When she told me to pursue Gumi, she was waiting for this hazy madness to surround me.

"You're a fucking demon," I spit out.

Milla nods and grins.

There are so many questions bursting from that realization, shuddering through my body, but only one word makes it out of me. "Why?"

"I can't tell you that. Remember?" 

So my only ounce of comfort burned in betrayal.

During the day, my parents bring me small meals and water. They always tell me to take my medication. I don't. I shove the pills one by one every day under my bed, and let the dust and cobwebs bury them. I can't find any good reason to take my medication, or any medication that doesn't reset everything. I don't eat, either, so my parents spoon feed me like an infant. I'm forced to swallow in those situations.

At night, everyone sleeps, and I find my last trace of tranquility in the dark. I try to stay awake so that I can cherish the silence, but I always fall asleep.

_**Evidence. Tarnished purity. Final scene, frozen in time. Filthy hands, dripping white. Bystander. Semen-stained photos. Point of no return. Predatory vessel. Ghost of his desire.** _

I wish the night wouldn't end, but if I try to sleep throughout the day, I'll be woken up by my parents. So I just make every night last as long as possible.

In so many stories, people say that when people die, they become stars. I don't think it's true. The stars aren't always there. Tonight the sky is a blank void.

The memories of Gumi have fuzzed over. Maybe that's a subconscious way of defending myself from the pain they bring. It doesn't keep all of it away. I still miss her. I wish I could find her star in the sky and give a message. 

I wish she were in my arms right now, her warm, drowsy breath against my chest.

I wish I could get out of bed tomorrow morning and go to school with her.

I wish I hadn't let her die.

I'm cursed with life. I knew it as soon as Gumi's heart stopped beating. But it's impossible that I can't die.

I'll find a way.

I still remember Luka, too. I remember how full of joy and beauty she was. I remember how determined she was to share her happiness with me, before the abrupt murder-suicide she committed. Before I found her hanging in her bedroom.

I envy her. She died so that she wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. That was the only solution then and it's the only solution now.

I'm not letting anyone save me. Everyone's betrayed me, or they were torn away from me, or they just don't understand anything. There's no one left here.

There's nothing left here.

 


	9. My Last Love Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
> 
> This chapter is based off of the song Before I Was Born.

After Luka died, when I asked Milla why I was born, she didn't answer.

Today, I ask her again. "You know, don't you? I'm going to die anyway. Can you tell me why I was born?"

"Why would I know that?"

I guess it doesn't really matter so much. Whether or not my birth was cursed would've only mattered in the past. I have a hard time believing it wasn't. If my birth was cursed, I think that means that my death will be blessed.

"I'm going to die today," I repeat to Milla, who sits nonchalantly on the floor with crossed legs. "It's gonna work this time. I know it."

Milla only nods.

It's funny, how the first time I've gotten out of bed in a month, other than to drag myself to the bathroom, is to fall asleep again.

First, I have to write my last love letter.

* * *

My name is Miku Hatsune. I was born on August 31, 1999.

When I was fourteen years old, I confessed my love to my best friend Kaito Shion, who was three and a half years older than me. A girl named Rin Kagamine, who was thirteen, tried to warn me he was dangerous. I didn't listen, because I stupidly trusted him. As weeks passed, I noticed he was growing more and more possessive. I stayed over his house one night because he made me feel bad for him. While I was asleep, he took off my shirt and bra and fondled me. Soon after that, he took me home despite my resistance, then broke my teeth while forcing me to drink alcohol. After getting me drunk, he took off my clothes, tied me up, and masturbated.

When I woke up, I found him making out with a grown woman. He tried to stab me. When that didn't work, he tried to strangle me. The woman, Meiko Sakine, saved me. I found out later that she was in her twenties, and Kaito lied about his age to date her. She broke it off after finding out how young and awful Kaito really is.

After I got away from Kaito, he started dating Megumi Ghana-Yamane. I noticed how nervous she was all the time around him, and the time he groped her on the bus and I ran away because I was too terrified to do anything, but I was still envious, because I missed loving him and I missed being so oblivious. The memories became too much.

When I was fifteen years old, I stabbed myself in the neck. I didn't write a note. I didn't even plan it. My memory of it is very blurred and faded, like an old dream. I would've died if Rin and Len Kagamine hadn't found me and saved me. After a vivid dream that shook me to my core, that I've thankfully forgotten, I woke up in the hospital.

I met Luka Megurine in the hospital and fell in love with her. We were discharged on the same day. We had dinner at my parents' house. The next morning, I visited her only to find she'd committed murder-suicide; she killed her mother in self-defense, then hanged herself in her bedroom.

I ended up falling in love again months later, with Gumi. We started dating in high school, but our relationship wasn't healthy. We were happy and loved each other, but I just wasn't open enough to her about everything. What happened to her was my fault. Some of Kaito's friends that I never knew of before--Tei Sukone, Gackpo Camui, and Akira Kano--found out about our relationship. We had sex at her house one night, and one of them filmed us through the window. When we walked back to Gumi's house the next afternoon, it had been set on fire.

That's when Gumi ran to the office building. She wouldn't stop running. I ended up cutting my arms on some branches, but I can't say I tried to avoid it. Gumi must've thought I'd deliberately cut myself when I caught up to her on the roof. I didn't think of stopping her anymore. I followed her up the fence and fell with her.

Gumi died in the hospital. I watched her flatline.

I spent my sixteenth birthday comatose.

I turned seventeen a month and a day ago.

Today is October 1, 2016. My future has slowly been ripped away from me, because I held out my heart and had it ripped to pieces over and over again.

By Kaito, who betrayed me and shattered the bond that I treasured so dearly.

By Luka, who died so suddenly after I found the first light of hope for a new beginning with her.

By myself, who let my soulmate die when there are so many ways I could've stopped it.

Before I die, before I throw away the empty, rotted future, I would like to make some personal notes.

Kaito Shion, Tei Sukone, Gackpo Camui, Akira Kano - I hope you fucking rot in prison for the rest of your lives. Now you've killed two people.

Mother and Father - Don't blame yourselves just because you left me home alone. There is nothing you could've done. There's no way you could understand. Thank you for caring about me.

Rin Kagamine - I'm sorry for not listening to you. Your future is still full of hope. Please be careful with it. Don't make my mistakes.

Len Kagamine - This isn't your fate. Your life will be better. Thank you for saving me the first time.

Meiko Sakine - I'm sorry for judging you so harshly. I thought of sex as a sin because I'd only had awful experience with it. Now I know it doesn't have to be. You're a good person. You saved Gumi from being raped and murdered by Kaito. Ever since she told me, I've been utterly grateful.

Luka Megurine - I wish you had let yourself live. I wish you had lived to see that it wasn't truly the end for you. I wish I could have saved you.

Gumi - I'll see you soon. We're still soulmates, after all.

* * *

My name signed in midnight black.

The letter sits folded carefully underneath the chair I stand on.

The noose is tied. The rope's been tightly looped around a board of wood on the ceiling.

I'm not scared, so I jump up and kick the chair over to let my blessing take me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of a transition chapter. i'm sorry that it's so short.


	10. The Beginning of Eternal Vengeance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: child death/murder, minor gore, brief mentions/discussions of rape, pedophilia, necrophilia, and suicide 
> 
> This chapter is based off of Koukatsu and Mugoba. 
> 
> (loosely. i came up with most of the ideas before listening to those songs, to be honest)
> 
> thank you for being patient enough to read up to this point. i'm not good at endings so i only hope this suffices. i'm not proud of this fic, honestly, but i'm glad i wrote it. it let me express some of my love for MARETU's music while venting a little about my feelings in a way.
> 
> and since i've had all this story planned for like...a year and a half, roughly, it'd piss me off a little to not end up writing it all down

I've woken up in a red world. I know this place. It's unfamiliar. I haven't existed outside of myself until now. Or, rather, I have only existed outside of this body until now. I now share my consciousness with someone whose wrath is as great as mine.

Our memories are clear to each other, but no one can say which ones happened to who we used to be. Was it Miku Hatsune whose father decapitated her and gouged--no, no, Miku Hatsune had a kind father, free of that madness, and she was older when she died. It was Milla Engel who died that way.

Yes, I know now. Her father was abandoned by his wife. She married a man from France. He had a son. Val. Milla was quite fond of him. I can't bring myself to be fond of him. 

Val died, too. Milla didn't know this until later. When Val entered the room, Milla's head and eyes were already scattered on the basement floor. He was a witness to his stepsister's murder. Before he could register the gruesome sight before him, Father swung an axe at him over and over until he lay unmoving, his blood spilling into Milla's.

I've been sure of this longer than I should be. There is a reason for that. I remember beginning to overlap shortly before Miku's suicide.

That's how I know everything about Kaito Shion. There were photos of Milla's corpse. I could only guess that they were kept there as evidence. But Kaito found them there, on an unfortunate vacation to Germany, when he was thirteen years old. Milla's spirit, that part of me that had roamed for so long, when she still had a shred of humanity, watched him.

Kaito Shion had the same surname as Milla's aunt. Her aunt lived in Japan. He was her cousin.

Milla believed Kaito was a vessel for her father's unbelievable rage, and his desire to destroy her so brutally, watching him masturbate to the photographs.

Milla's spirit had a bond with Val's. She found him, and asked to be tortured so that the purity preventing her from stopping Kaito would perish. Val had already lost his humanity, never as pure as Milla had been. He agreed and tortured Milla for years with maddening truths and horrifying concepts until Milla became nothing but an enraged demon.

Miku was the puppet. Miku was needed to create something powerful enough. She followed her and "guided" her. She knew it would be all the more effective if Miku died on her own, with minimal influence from Milla. The first suicide attempt was a mistake. Milla drove her to it, then realized it wouldn't be enough. The second attempt was a lucky survival, but with enough effort, Milla let Miku awaken in time to watch her soulmate die. The third attempt was the last one necessary.

Miku...she must have gone insane from the heartbreak she suffered. I remember her thinking that way, but I can't feel any real emotion now. I'm not Miku anymore. I couldn't say how she felt.

Only that the endless pit of hatred has grown since we became this being.

But...maybe Miku hasn't entirely assimilated yet. I keep feeling the ghosts of her emotion breathe through me. 

The girl she loved. She loved her so much.  _Gumi._

I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her. I don't need her.

Has it gotten through yet?

Besides, none of it was Miku's fault. It was Kaito who ultimately caused Gumi's suicide.

It doesn't matter.  _It doesn't matter._

But what's the point of dying if Gumi is nowhere to be found? No, of course it doesn't matter. We were soulmates. But the soul of Miku has flickered away into her last surge of fury.  _It doesn't matter._

The only thing that matters is ultimate vengeance. For her, for everyone that was hurt. 

With that determination set in my mind, I release myself into the world of the living.

* * *

Kaito sits cooped up in a jail cell. Cold, dark stone surrounding him every day. But that hasn't stopped his animalistic behavior. Already, there are rumors of him assaulting and even raping fellow prisoners. Even now, when he's locked away in the dark, his evil knows no bounds.

Milla was killed at twelve in the afternoon. Miku died at six in the evening. It is only appropriate to wait for the full moon to be at its peak, shining over him as he lies awake on his bed.

Realistically, a demon and a human being cannot physically affect each other. However, that is not the case with Kaito. He is too abnormally inhuman to not be an exception to this truth.

The long, bony fingers pierce him from below. He gasps, paralyzed, startled by the hellish white-hot flesh digging into him. The fingers crack from the stiffness of their posture as they curl into him, his gasps breathing their way into screams, flaming tears melting against my skin, nourishing me as I grip his body more firmly. I can feel his blood pulsing against me, quickening the closer my fingertips approach the core.

_**Something I never would have imagined could exist. Your heart.** _

I tighten the hold and yank it down.

The last thing I feel before descending is the flood of mutilated remains.

* * *

"What the hell are you?"

The first dry words out of his mouth as he awakens in my hands.

I smile.

_I haven't smiled at him in so long._

"I am the essence of all the hell you brought into this universe," I respond. "All the betrayal, horror, heartbreak, rage, and sin that you have released."

He doesn't open his mouth. His dark blue irises slightly twitch around.

"You cannot escape anymore," I remind him. "That poor laughingstock of yours, the same being you used and abused over and over...those are the eyes you are looking into."

His gaze squints with thought.

"You cannot even begin to realize exactly whose memories I bear. That is how many people you have affected with your evil."

I bring him closer. Closer, closer, until the eyes I remember seeing compassion, love, happiness in are aligned with my own.

"It will take an eternity to remind you," I whisper. "Fortunately, we are in a world where rational time no longer binds us."

And thus, our fate was sealed.

* * *

There are two kinds of demons that I know of.

There are demons who have emerged from tragedy. Who were once hopeful souls that were taken and dirtied and ultimately killed by the other kind of demons. The ones who there is no hope for, for they have already let themselves be consumed with evil, spreading it like a timeless virus until it dominates humanity and dooms it toward a devastating end.

Humans will try to revert those demons from that sin. But they are too powerless. At best, they will be ignored. At worst, they will be corrupted. It is up to tragic demons to capture the evil demons by any means necessary.

A cycle of sadism and vengeance, and human beings are too curious, too eager to avoid being drawn into it.

If I know it is a cycle, then why do I do this? Yes, vengeance is of utmost importance. My core desire, my reason to exist, is to torment and torture this demon for the rest of time. To drive him insane with his sin, to make him suffer in every one of the infinite ways, to imprison him in his personal hell.

But I am not the only embodiment of fury. There is an ever-growing amount of tragedy in the universe. All of us victims have the same fate: merge with the souls you've bonded with and take revenge in your own afterlife. One of us will find the greatest evil, causing its links to perish.

It will be a miraculous day for humanity, but I will not see it. I can if I wish, but I do not.

As stated, my only purpose now is to carry out my eternal vengeance. It is also my only wish, my only desire. Anything else that may have existed inside me has been vanquished. This is true for all tragic demons. Experiences seem diverse, but they are meaningless in human life. They will become numb, faint motivation for our ultimate happiness.

It is hard for a human to comprehend. Their ideal afterlife is a typical paradise with everlasting joy and love.

Evil demons are destined to hell. The same hell that is the tragic demons' heaven.

Therefore, I am at peace.


End file.
